Sometimes things just get a little too confusing... - from friendster blog (2005.10.24)

Okay then, to stop the last update link to my previous post, I might as well would post a new one! Basically, I didn't plan this because it defeats the purpose of posting every saturdays, but then it lessens my load this coming Saturday. Yeah I know it's a part of the long weekend / holiday, but I just know I won't be able to post stuff because we have make-up classes on the other upcoming saturdays.

• Well after the long weekend, it must have been obvious I was too preoccupied with Ragnarok! yeah that's the cause of my inconsistent meal time and sleeping time. But anyway, I woke up just this morning, dreaming all the way until i closed my eyes for about 2 mins. It was weird, I was all too quiet.. err maybe I planned that for the flag ceremony.. but then too quiet, too still and too out of this world. I didn't actually want to talk to people about anything I usually ask about.. well just because I find myself talking too much that I butt into everyone's conversation.. kind of annoying for me. And also because that morning I forgot to do one of my homeworks, that I totally crammed early that morning and slept for about 2 hrs. I still feel fine.. well that won't last long anyway... but I felt kind of energetic the rest of the morning.
• I don't know, the day started kind of peaceful, then a little controversial...at the flag cem.. and then, disappointing at the first few minutes of our class! I did expect things to happen.. I really did! But it gets confusing sometimes that things go the way you expect when you don't want it to happen... I never doubted myself on my performance and I knew it was kind of lousy... but nevertheless I kept a little faith in myself... very little.. but still there was that spark left to guide me throughout that horrible day.
• Well, so and so, the day continued, and so I grew tired... maybe because of the late night Ragnarok and cramming... but also because my head was thinking of too much stuff! Yeah... i guess that must have been it. Erm.. well actually, the week before this week, and also the week before that, this was all I could think of... this was all that I could regret and all that I thought I could change. Well other than rebirth just last week, cause I was so excited about it. =D Then, at the end of that day, our teacher gave us the final grades and all... my classmates knew that I was in such a bad mood... I couldn't help it.. it was all too much... maybe if I was still in the mood I had just that morning, I could have dealt with that problem easily... but no, I had to be too tired to frown, too annoyed to smile and too uneasy to find humor in everything. Well eventually I had to ease it all up, so I bought myself something to eat while walking as much as I could... but then our practice for Paskorus eventually led me to the girl's dorm. Singing did lift up my spirit a little, music was still the origin of my solitude and laughing was inevitable because people were so happy...
• But this isn't really the point why I even bothered to write this... it was just because during my idle moments, I often look back on what happened... and just a while ago... I tried as hard not to shed a single tear on whatever it was that I was thinking of... I mean... "sometimes things just get a little too confusing.." maybe because I have been wanting to cry it all out... just to take my mind of it... cause I know once it is out... it will never linger around my head and haunt me forever... but just this once... I didn't want it to.. I know I'm vulnerable, weak and all... you may call me all that, but I didn't want to face myself with that condition... yeah, I guess I thought it just made me foolish... just because I anticipated it already... a lot of times, but I was never able to face it as it really is... and I wanted to so badly... that I thought if I kept it, it wouldn't go away.. and it won't let me sleep peacefully until I was able to accept it as it is... and change it the way I should have. I guess, I am a fool... I am a blind one seeking comfort in my inability to see... or whatever. Maybe I am blind dreaming of the world beyond the darkness... but still unable to realize the solution to the imperfection. Maybe I am living in the comfort of only seeing my dreams... and not reaching each one. It is possible that I have spent a few minutes of my time enjoying what is within reach and not extending to the far galaxy that lies outside of us. Maybe you only think that I was able to realize this and change it... but it is in the knowing that we, ourselves take comfort in... these are some of those things that just get a little confusing at times... Maybe so...

I never really imagined myself writing about this junk... well, I had to write about it someday...
and one day, all will know.. but only a few will care.
then a few will tell... without believing it's there.
some might ponder about it... but they often give up 'coz it's too much to bear.
maybe some would ignore it... but would then use their knowledge and share.
who knows what the world will become... only He who made it.. can declare.
~