It's weird sometimes... - from friendster blog (2005.11.03)

Well... I guess I had a pretty nice week. Although "nice" is kind of a broad and exhausted word.. I chose to use it to make it mysterious and yet simple. I owe it all to the wonderful day with my section in our outbound to Subic... and of course the iBelieve metrocon of YFC.

• Okay.. so I woke up this morning.. It was later than usual... around 10 am. Probably because I slept late last night.. just talking to my friend that I wasn't able to talk to for a long time... yeah a long time I guess... and I just chatted in Ragnarok.
• I ate a bit... then proceeded with my everyday hygiene stuff.. then unfortunately I wasn't able to eat lunch. I dunno why... but I kind of adored Fruits Basket too much, a little while ago... well not actually kind of.. but it was totaly addicting at that moment... it's sooo cute... anyway, after that I watched a little tv... then of course thought about doing my school stuff. I did plan the day to do this schoolwork.. so that tomorrow I could probably join in on the fun at the NB5 Bring Old Members Back... BOMB! eh...
• Well... why did it take me so long to do my school work? I dunno.. since the metrocon.. I felt relieved.. somewhat better... contented actually... I told my mother about the school stuff.. which subjects I thought I would fail to reach my standards.. or which subjects I feared to know the grade... I didn't have it in me to tell her the Perio thing.. in Val Ed. I guess I will someday... I planned to do so in the middle of that fateful night.. so that if ever I cry.. darkness will hide it... but anyway.. right now the bright screen of this pc reveals it, but nobody is here so it's fine.
  Before that metrocon... I was bothered by the ringing of failure in my head... I never did feel contented with any grade I had.. whether it be 1.0 or 1.75... I never felt that feeling of happiness for long... because I knew I had to retain it the next quarter. For the fear of loosing it... I never felt that happiness I thought I would feel in achieving it. That is why I long told my sister that having high grades won't satisfy you... no matter what... although this state of mind.. i mean the one about not being satisfied... boosts up my desire to improve... it decreases my faith in myself.. for once I fail.. never will I want to trust myself to succeed ever again. I never did feel the victory of anything... at least I don't think so... I mean I could feel proud at first... happy for the moment... but worried for the longest time.. stressed for the longest hours and unable to move for the lasting while...
• It was there... in that metrocon, that I was able to spend more time with my mother.. as someone rather different... not in looks... not in habits.. but in thinking and speaking... i guess not so different... but i told her the things I didn't want to before... i didn't confess wholly but I believe she understood me... I've always been with her... beside her during the activities of YFC... I couldn't go with anyone I wasn't close with.. but that's the problem.. I wasn't close with anyone.. not entirely... in YFC. Which is why I wasn't soo happy with going to YFC gatherings... but that night.. I felt it wasn't about that... it wasn't about friends at all... I guess it was about strangers being friends and unknown dreams being realized... I mean no matter how alone I might be... or seem to be.. God will always be there beside me... I may not realize it... feel it or accept it... but He is there for me.
• ~Lara... I dunno.. I know you read this sometimes... I just know it... but I want to tell you.. that before... I wanted you to join YFC.. i didn't really know why but I wanted to spread it somehow... to the person to whom I could relate to for years... I wanted it to start there... and although I wasn't able to do much.. I wished really hard for it to happen... I really did... you know.. I miss you so much... your presence was enlightening... you were fun to be with.. and I guess we are suffering the same fate at school... the same thing comes into our mind...... eh... anyway.. you know... after that metrocon.. I wanted you to feel the same thing I felt.. the same comfort... the same contentment... I'm sure fanfics make you happy... but then isn't it really tiring? I mean after one fanfic you would really want to know what happens after... that's how I felt when I kept watching anime and stuff... this is reality though... we are not living in some fiction stories... we were trying to find our happiness in such things that we know is so simple... at that precise moment.. I felt peace... I felt that contentment.. that standing there... looking foolish maybe... looking weird... but still standing there... for God.. for serving Him. Maybe I did mind everything around me... they say 3000 people attended it.. I was a bit conscious.. but at that moment... nothing else mattered. I was alive once more... I was better of living in that moment than suffering before. After that metrocon.. I wanted for you to experience it... I wanted for you to be there... with me... maybe because I missed you so much... but more because you were the same as me.. or maybe that is what I thought... I knew that you know more people than I do... I know you are stronger than I am... but then I felt that we were the same... please don't be offended or anything... I'm just writing foolishly... there are many things I need to do... but I don't feel the pressure anymore... it doesn't matter if I do them... it does not matter in the presence of God... at least I think so... it matters for my future... but God does more than what I can.. so I would love to put all my faith in Him... I want you... to spread whatever you will feel when you will finally be with me in YFC... if ever that is to happen... I will wait.. I'm sure of it...that the day I dream of will come true someday... life is short... but miracles happen in a blink of an eye...
• Well you know... "it's weird sometimes..." I feel as if everything could collapse in a moment.. then someone catches me when my feet can't carry me anymore... I don't know who it is.. there's so many.. but I know that underneath that person.. is God.. working His way through me... it's weird sometimes... I hear myself speaking as if I'm stronger than anyone else... maybe that's the power of God... but you know... it's weird sometimes... I cry as sudden as I never thought of... I cry... so quick that it lasts for a long time... but it comes and goes after a long period of time...

I actually don't want many people to see this.. but for my heart that is drowning in the bitter waters... I just had to let it out... writing is something like a way of expressing myself.. people could see through the screen of my whole being.. just by interpreting what I write... maybe so... I don't know myself well... I just hope I get to hear from other people... you know... I never really thought of myself as one that expresses herself openly... but I thought I wasn't mysterious at all... kind of contradicting, but maybe I'm just in the middle... I want to know what people know.. I want to see how people see... and feel how people feel... so to those reading this... do you want to go through a journey where I was afraid to take? A path not taken by most people... but taken by faithful people... what do you think of when I say YFC?.. 'till next time then... may God Bless you all... and take care... whoever you are... =D