Whatever a smile can do... - from friendster blog (2005.11.20)

It's been a long time since I posted in my blog.. my sister said that I should post my "christmas list"... i don't think i have one though =) Also, a lot has happened... i mean last Nov. 12, we recieved our cards... then last Nov. 19, we had a class.. and a costume party. So then, I should proceed with my post. =)

• I woke up around 7 this morning.. kind of early because I came home late the night before. We had a costume party that had an asian theme and all... we played games and had contests, but I still felt a little bored afterwards. It was fun but many of my classmates didn't go, so we were kind of left out. I didn't hang around the table my old classmates set up... maybe because we had to perform a "cosplay" that I really didn't understand. We kind of presented a play and the other sections presented something else... so we felt kind of silly in the end. I don't really understand... I was in a mood that is either too tired... or just easy to convince... so they made me perform there. During the fashion show, we practiced somewhat secretly... then during the performance, everything wasn't going as they planned and we were trying real hard to catch up. In the end of the party, they announced the winner and we ended up in third place... and only one of us was really happy about it. Maybe we didn't feel happy because we crammed it or something... but I'm just not sure if we deserve it, because many sections were disqualified because of the duration of their presentation.
• Before that party, we had classes... actually it was a make-up class for having a long break. I didn't like it though.. I felt really tired that friday night because I had to study for two long tests. I wouldn't say the long test went well... not really... I didn't like the fact that I ended up sleeping at 9:30 pm and waking up early just to study filipino.. by reading el fili... and studying bio.. by memorizing things about the kingdom protista and an introduction to the kingdom plantae... Luckily, I thought of studying fil first then bio.. although I can't remember well when I procrastinate.. I didn't like the identification part of fil... just because I wasn't able to read the book.. i just feel bad about it... but then it's fine now. Then I forgot many things in bio... i actually studied for 1-2 hrs because we had breaks and all... but i still didn't like the environment when i studied it. Anyway.. the day went well.. I guess =).
• It's weird reading my past posts... and finding my mood swings kind of unrealistic.. I mean that within a span of one week.. or even one day... my style of writing changes and whatever i write is tuned to my feelings. This week... or when I started the week of Nov. 14, I wanted things to go well... I started my week with a smile... I kind of decided to try making most of my happiness... while I still could. I didn't really know what would happen... but then "whatever a smile can do" won't hurt anyone around me.. unless they get irritated. I mean even though my classmates acted like I did before, when confronted with a situation wherein we see ourselves fail... i tried hard not to give up hope.. i tried to look at the better side of life. This really isn't me.. but I decided to change rather than to suffer... i really am the only one who can change myself and i am also the only one who can determine the reason why. That day of smilling.. not fully... but at least from my first Geometry class... which resulted into a bad thing because of my long test... up until my Algebra class... wherein we checked our papers and luckily I passed... i tried my best to smile. I had a shoutout in friendster that said "i hope i can smile for you... as much as i want to for myself..." i meant that in a way that i hope i can smile for everyone.. to be able to see a smile for myself... i did this 'cause i know i get affected by my actions quickly.. and i often sulk about them... so if i formerly had an emotion... which could be happiness.. i could maybe stop my mood swings for a while. Well of course it didn't last very long... eventually i grew tired.. i mean it was a really long week... but still.. i don't think i would want to give up so easily. =). I can't smile really well... but i just do so for myself... i felt kind of better smilling like that.. than smilling awkwardly. Well anyway.. that's what happened for that week..
• Now after waking up at around 7.. i felt kind of sad that someone turned my pc off.. while i was running my priest bot.. anyway... i played ragnarok that morning.. for at least an hour.. I just went to GH.. and to TF2 to tank tammy. I really missed her.. and her new name kind of reminds me of mine.. that's just because she used a new character named ~*ellicia*~. =). After that I watched "Witch Hunter Robin" erm.. episode 16.. since I missed it that friday. Then, I went down to eat and watched tv. I really didn't know what to do for the day... so I slept again. I woke up around 1 pm... then ate lunch. I spent the afternoon wondering what my hw was.. until someone finally posted it... I guess i still have to stay up late.. of course.. since i always do =) just to finish geom.. I kind of plan to start the week the same as before... no matter how tired i might be feeling.. i'll try hard.. i can't say i can do my best.. but i can try =)
• ~Oh and.. lovelyn.. if ever you are reading this... i'm really glad i was able to talk to you last week... my shoutout message saying something like "thank you for saying the one thing I wanted to hear.. =D" was actually for you... =). It was because of your "new" phrase from the states... i was really feeling kind of down at that time.. and then you told me a lot of things there... although it was a really short talk... i really am glad =). It was because of that phrase that I kind of found a proof that i was really living... that i was doing something worthwhile.. for someone else =).
• ~Lara.. i miss you so much.. i'm sorry i've been kind of busy lately.. i'm sure you have a lot of things that you would want to tell me.. but then i'll try to talk to you after our exams.. that is dec 10 i think =) either that or a few days after that.. =).
• ~Tammy... i really missed you.. nice to hear from you. As usual you're making a new character. I miss Ellicia.. =D I hope we could meet in the nov. eb.. if ever november 28 is a holiday.. a real holiday for us... =)
• ~Jelle... waaa.. i'm sorry about not being able to greet you on your birthday... i remember it was the time me and my sister went to the mall to buy something for our costume party... and then got interrupted by something... anyway... i'll try to find a gift for you =)

Life is kind of precious to me.. it can only be lived once.. and must be controlled by only one.. that's why i try to find my purpose of living...by myself. The phrase lovelyn told made me feel that I was making someone feel better... that there really was a purpose for me to talk to her... there was a good reaction.. and that made me feel like i was really living. I thought of myself as something that makes the world look worse and i didn't think i was contributing to any peace... that is why i decided to smile. A smile isn't much... but sometimes.. it makes us feel better... and sometimes when I see someone smile back.. i feel that there really was a good result to whatever i did. I don't seem to find a good purpose for me because I can't find a bestfriend in my section.. but if i find a purpose for people to smile.. then i would be very happy. =D