Coward.

Okay, I just realized how frustrated I am about writing or typing. Whenever I start blogging I just tend to drag it on and on. I just noticed how incredibly long my posts are and I guess I'm thankful I posted them here and not elsewhere.

So, some comments about my blog.. I guess I would like to hide under 'shinouyuki' now simply because it was scary how my math teacher found out things about people by typing their names and searching google. I don't think it's creepy to type them out of curiosity. But it is scary how much they can learn because you want to keep things you write 'personal' or at least not broadcasted in front of the class as a side comment. But I still put on a humiliating picture that I think is cute. Hey, I don't particularly like my face. I just think it's so-so or maybe below average since my pimple breakouts. Hah, how tiring to be a girl.

Now tell me the answer to this question I keep asking myself. I know I can't find the answer as easily as I want to by asking. I kind of get the point that making decisions matter only when you decided it yourself and when you're resolute. So... is it bad to run away from your troubles by pleasing yourself with things you love?

My phrasing of the question is without a doubt biased. Oh and about being judgemental and biased, I have another question that my teacher asked, can you be completely free of bias?

And so I end up with two questions when I just wanted to ask one. How come my words instantly multiply anyway? Oh and now I have three questions. Let's see, the answer to the third is pretty simple. I just think people associate things to remember them that is why I get off topic too much. It's extremely tiring to read something that always goes off topic or runs around aimlessly, but I believe it's inevitable, for me at least. I mean if I put effort into a formal letter or formal article, it would naturally have limitations, but come on, this is a blog. You can't possibly take for granted the fact that everything I talk about has a certain context and so I try to explain things that are seemingly unrelated but associated to the main things I want to talk about. So please bear with the length. I predict another epic.

After answering the last question that came up, now I want to tackle the second one. I have to set up a good foundation first before blowing everything up with the first question. I'll try to make this short-er than I would. So my answer is... no. I answered it in like 2 seconds. After my teacher phrased the question, I thought for a second and my head moved sideways signalling no. But another student answered almost resolutely yes. I can't remember it much but it was like an answer that was trying to convince people that it is possible. I don't know myself, but I tried to picture myself freeing myself of all bias and a picture of my old self flashed. Hah, how funny. I can't describe myself before but I know that I was too passive. Almost lifeless in being a passive person. That was the time when I really didn't mind things like fashion, appearances, intelligence and the like. That was my vision of being totally free of bias. It might be because during a transition to this 'version' of me, I decided that it's utterly boring to not have expressions, not have opinions, to not side with something, to not react to anything, to not get excited or even to not exaggerate anything at all. You see the previous me was outwardly 'uncharacteristic' and I believed having 'opinions' brought forth certain unconscious 'bias' to things you don't like. We can always compromise, I guess. But there will always be some points we can't possibly 'like'. And bias goes with choosing as well. How can we know what to chose when we can't bias against things? I just believe some things in life have different values for people, so with that alone we have bias. I don't know how you think, but I don't want to change how I think, at least with this point. I tried to look at it the other way. Unfortunately, I failed.

Technically, that was short. Hey, I was restraining myself, no matter how long that was. -.- Anyway, it seems like I need to finally explain the last question. I don't have an answer. That's all I can tell you about my decision. But my body tends to act towards pursuing desire. Don't think of it in a perverted way. I was simply talking about doing the things I love, which is actually reading manga. Or at least that's what I love for now. I should inform you, I change 'hobbies' or 'interests' every two weeks to a month on the average. My longest hobby would have been... playing ragnarok for the first time (a year and three months), my shortest was learning how to be critical in listening to notes (one hour). Now my manga-craze has been going on for about two weeks or so and this is my second time having a 'craze period', if I can call it that. I had around five craze periods for ragnarok before. You see I always have my homeworks over the weekend. Even during weekdays, but the main problem lies in doing my homeworks during the weekend. I can't seem to manage time well. No, I really can't. NOT at all. I wish I could though. So at least I can do whatever I want properly. But whenever I reach the weekend, my body longs for pampering because it is stressful to work. I'm not supposed to be stressed, compared to my sister or whatever, but my own mind stresses me. I can't not do my homeworks. I can't not care about my studies. I can't not prioritize it over everything during weekdays. But when weekends come I always run away from my studies and whenever I run away from it, I end up running away from everything and find comfort in what I currently love. I love the stories. I am satisfied. No, more than satisfied. I am happy with reading mangas. I am overjoyed with creating my own whenever I dream or daydream. I don't know anymore what I want. I can't want both, right? But I need to. My studies don't even demand so much from me anymore, but I think I still demand too much from myself. WHY am I such a coward? Is it because I can't handle it? Do you think I'm weaker than I give myself credit for? I thought I could handle it. I thought, 'Maybe I can' but the 'maybe' made a big difference before. So why now? I am anxious, actually. I can't... seem... to find myself. I am lost. I ran away from home and hauled myself back but I lost myself on the way. It may seem impossible. But it's true. I lost myself when I pursued what I knew made me happy and time made me force myself back to reality so now I am half-empty (it's not pessimistic view, but compare it to before and this term gives the true way looking at it). So it looks like it did me harm trying to chase after my desires, but I don't have a solid dream to chase that's why I can easily chase these desires. I have no true goal, maybe that's why I lost myself. Or maybe... I never had that part of myself before. So I have this problem of finding myself again and I always go back to reading mangas maybe to try to relieve the feeling of anxiety or worry or maybe to hope that I'll find myself by doing that. And I ask you with all I've told you and all that you still don't know... is it alright to run away, to hide, to seek in isolation... to be a coward? I'm trying to phrase it in the other bias to exaggerate things. So I might want to get a scolding, but I think I'm just preparing for it so I the blow will lessen a bit.

Oh, it seems shorter than usual. I really am restraining myself. Also, time is ticking. I will try to start the things I need to do. I seriously will. I must. I have this responsibility to do so, but I'm tired. So tired... of forcing myself. Half of what I do is forced and half is due to fear. I can't seem to find the 'silver lining' or the 'light'.

Just a (edit)second to the(end of edit) last note, I just read something that noted something about 'I'm not thinking about anything. I'm trying not to think.' Then the reason why she wasn't thinking or something was because thinking too much will make people blow up or explode. No, my memory is too much. It seems that's the only way I can remember the message. The title... I forgot, but I remember it's the oneshot about a guy having an affair and telling the first time he met his wife and how he wondered why he married her.

My last note... really last... has some relation with the manga 3 Years and Parfait Tic. I love both, but I was wondering how people hated it. The idea of timing is really hated huh? Wrong timing, isn't much of a reason, after all. But I believe it's true. It doesn't have much to do about being simple-minded, although I am simple-minded to some extent. The fact that a girl lost love because she failed to realize her love has something to do about timing. The girl might be too foolish if people look at it that way or too 'easy' but I think there are times in life when timing will just be bad. I can't blame the girl if her pacing is slow. I mean you can't criticize late bloomers, right?? I personally hate it when people rush me. I seriously hate it, so how could I blame the person? People might argue that the girl took things for granted, and I say, yes, we all do. I take a lot of things for granted, but as long as I don't complain when they're gone and I treasure the time I had them... I don't think it was totally useless. What I love about the 3 Years girl is that she realized she can't be with someone she doesn't ultimately love. So about the complexity in Parfait Tic... timing is bad, really bad. Bad for Daiya, bad for Ichi and hard for Fuuko. Bad timing... I believe there is such a thing and we can't ever hate mangas and stories that end with such things, because not everything goes the way we hope to in life. And te main point is that even though I hope... so much... so strongly... that I can find my answer to this endless hobby-hopping. Is it good or bad? What do you think? What do you believe?

Edit: Interesting I skimmed through the previous post and I realized I made errors (I only got to see one... my that was supposedly me) and I foretold this post. I don't have ESP or anything, but interestingly enough I used the same word to describe myself... I said there "cowardly" and I said here "coward". Really interesting. Oh and by the way if you did perhaps read the previous post, I noticed the topic is kind of... similar. I might have talked about this before... I guess it's still bothering me now. It's pathetic to think I always, always repeat my own mistakes. I never learn, do I?

Addicted to Nana

It's been such a long time since I last typed anything at all. I wished I could freely do things like this as I pleased, but the stress from my conscience is too much to bear with when I hit rock bottom. You, whoever reads this, might misunderstand me. I'm not complaining because I have too much to do, on the contrary, I think I have rather less to do nowadays. But I'm not as free as a wild animal either, I can't do things just on a whim. I might've realized that by now. I have matured even a little bit..since the start of high school. And another point to clear up, I haven't done anything I'm guilty of. I just think my priorities have taken hold of my way of living life through my conscience. So when I fail to do something I hold dear to me... I start succumbing to fear and dislike. How unfortunate. I am such a terrible woman. I know the cross I bear is the one I will always chose, for life isn't about happiness, it's more about decisions. The decisions make us whole, make us who we are. No matter how similar our decisions are, the past, the present and the future will never be the same for two people. But that's not all... even the way we experience things will always be different. So I am a bit thankful for this almost twisted mind. Thank you to my maker.

Oh gosh, now I've lost the true meaning of this post. I missed writing as freely and as smoothly as this, not to mention it's been a long time since I last typed this much (two weeks since I couldn't finish a fanfic? how awful). The topic addicted to nana. How queer. I don't want to spoil you but when you reach chapter 30 you might understand how this phrase overshadowed whatever is happening to me now. Less than a year ago I started RPing in the forums and I was carried away by the RP webring. I didn't fit well though, I was always bothered by this. But I know now it's because I never wanted to 'fit in' anywhere where I had to exert energy to fit in. This is probably the most cowardly reason why I am defering my application to UP AME. I can justify it in only one phrase, the reason is because I don't want the people there to idealize and accept me for what I suck up to, I am only afraid that they'll reject me for who I really am so I should live how I would normally live. I lost the topic again, people really should scold me for making suck long posts (laughs) but anyway nobody reads them, so they're only here for my content and satisfaction. I always hope, you know, that destiny would always let some passerby here and sympathize. How pathetic.

Moving along, I didn't fit in the webring so I tried making another character. Label her my Alter Ego (my AE) or no... now that I look back on it, call it my old self, I named her Nanami, Hoshiro Nanami. Nana-chan as I called her. I met an amazing internet friend through her, though we have so little in common, I treasure our time together. So it is always like that, huh? It's always easier to keep your distance from your friends sometimes? So that you'll never run out of things to say from time to time. Again, proceeding now more confidently, I kept it a secret between the two of us (or maybe it became four of us, some people found out in the process. of course I couldn't hide the ip address, but I kept a low profile) and I also made an email for us to chat easily. But being Nanami, I never doubted her unsociable character so no one ever RPed with me. It was sad in some parts, but happy in others. At least I didn't have that much work load. What a reason to justify onesself. But I'm a naturally selfish being so let me be. For my future relationship partner, I really hope you can deal with this selfishness. I can be selfish to the point of blocking everything, like my favorite RP power... a plastic barrier. If ever you don't figure this out in time, I'll try to remember to point it out so you wouldn't have to fall for me. I'll help you stop it as soon as you tell me to. If I really love you though, I might persist--but I've never done that. Hah, well I just believe love can make you do some things you never thought of.

Damn, why is it so hard to talk about a single topic? Okay, I created the yahoo mail and it's id is "addicted_to_nana" because I didn't want to put a "nanamihoshiro" or "hoshiro_nanami" thing. I never wanted to tie myself to only one. I wanted something global, something that would make me have a ton of reasons to create that name. And I might've watched "Bokura ga ita" before that so it is possible I had the great idea of just putting 'nana'. I can't say I hate it. If you look at it in a good way, I loved Bokura ga Ita and I couldn't let go of Nanami, to the point that I made her something imaginary. How pathetic. Oh I love that phrase. It's the only thing I can say to keep me from hating myself. I'm just a fool. Friends? My friends out there, don't be concerned. I gave up HATING myself around half a year ago. It's too tiring to contradict myself with love and hate. Of course there are things I hate, but there are plenty of things I love deep inside.

So now, it's a subtle foreshadowing and somehow I have to really really tell you. It's creeping me out. Well I am still reading the damn NANA manga which is sooooo LONG that I would normally have given up. But I cried while reading it a few times. I hated and loved the characters. This might sound weird, by the way, but my definition of love is kinda hazy and my only recognition of it is when "I hate it so much and yet I can still love it and end up with it". Seems pathetic? Oh yes, pathetic again, so much for a limited vocabulary. You know, it's not that hard to understand my simple and contradictory definition of love, when you love something, you can't help but fuss about it, be concerned about it, criticize it, but still appreciate it. So for those lovey-dovey couples brawling over such stupid little things, this person here thinks that's a good relationship. Forgive me.

Now there's actually one pretty simple reason why I wanted to type something about Nana. I can't tell you how much I LOVE the damn manga--the story and even every nook and canny of it's plot. I might just um... spoil you too much. I'm actually not regretting reading this after everything else, but I'm just happy I did. That my decision led to it somehow. Could be fate, or not. I don't know whether to believe it. Maybe if I fell for someone so hopelessly romantic like me I would start to believe. Oh, okay, I'll move on too, so I can finish the 77 chapters with around 40+ pages each chapter plus the 0 chapter which is LONGER than usual. 150*2 pages? "It's the devil!" (laughs) I remember Hachiko in the story with that reasoning. Now try to ponder on this a bit, the manga just made me realize something good:

one you've experienced the light, your memories and the brain's recognition will always compare it with your current "brightness" and that's the time you find out the meaning of "darkness"

I simply want everyone to understand that as Yas-san said being alone and being lonely are not the same. I found the reason. I get the feeling everybody knew this all along. I mean I function with the thought that the light is a mirror of darkness. Neil Gaiman said so, I think.

Don't pity me. I haven't experienced light. I might've seen a glimpse of it, but it's nothing (I think) compared to the true one. But you know, it's a good thing for darkness to exist so you appreciate the light. So for those who were lost at first, you'll find it eventually. And what's more you could always judge the intensity. First timers for the light are fools. They always think "I've found it! I won't ever let it go!" They never even think of the possibility that "But maybe this is brighter. Which should I choose?" I feel teary-eyed for some reason. Maybe because it's sad that people never appreciate their true worth. Well, worth depends on the person too, but they often sacrifice themselves too much.

I criticize it, but I admire it. I'll tell you, I love that characteristic so much. That's why I can still say I believe in Jesus Christ. But I can also say that I'm unsure about my religion. I barely know it and I've never shown passion to get to know it. How queer. Do I really think little of it? Maybe just believing is enough for me... but not for the bounds of the Catholic Church. I've always thought I wasn't worthy this way.

Oh well, tell me. It must be true that in the middle of my life I will find myself alone to strive to become independent and I will find everything I believe in shattered because of the reality of the world, correct? When that time comes, somehow I don't want to suffer alone. I'm too selfish, I am too much. But actually, maybe I just think I might be able to save the other more if I was suffering with someone. That maybe, just maybe, the company and the thought that "it's not me, it must be worth a try" will encourage that person and when that person succeeds I'll say "my friend can do it, I must strive". Hah, how foolish. I am really immature. But even this realization makes me a step closer to finding my identity. Why do we always have to go through all this? I always wonder myslef. But it must be fulfilling to do something for yourself for the first time.

Now, I forgot to mention... I just don't want this to end in such bad terms. I mean I plainly said I used to hate myself but not now. What made the difference? Nothing. No one. I was all alone in my nutshell then. I broke down a few times to consult with my friends, but I could never communicate the feeling. I knew I had to rely on myself. Maybe I was inspired. No love related things please. Such giddy feelings don't interest me. That's probably why I can't get a boyfriend. So no experience in love, huh? I'm not pure in my heart because I've recognized the faults of my weak heart, but I don't know, I feel as if I want to try this love out when it comes to bite me.

Going back, I was inspired by what we'd call fear. Hey maybe that is the truly driving force in this life? Love and fear. Anyway, I feared I would succumb to my own desires and falter to nothing without even trying. No... more directly, I feared the overpopular "emo" groups. I feared suicide in itself ever since it crossed my mind many times. Oh no, now you're thinking I'm a psychopath. Not for that reason, no. I haven't tried. I'm quite afraid that slashing myself won't stop with just one until I die and I am afraid of many things like the pain, the blood, the reaction of the people I love and rejection in itself. Hah! We live to please ourselves, is the motto of a selfish being.

So then you're more or less concerned with me now? Text me only during WEEKDAYS at 09228561491 I can't remember if that number is correct. Nah, nevermind. Don't even bother me. I have only one thing to say to those who PITY me even one ounce. Check your life before bothering yourself with another's. If I'm that important to you, then you should tell me and afterwards, when you become important to me too, take care of yourself well. I cannot give you this life's answers. No I even get the feeling none of us will ever get the answers until we truly die. But you must, at all means, solve things in your own true way. Find yourself so I can find myself too. I will become your friend, I will listen to your problems, that is nothing to worry about. I can even give you superficial advices, but never forget this: I am not the one living your life. I might know a thing or two if we communicate through the internet. I just hate texting. It's too tiring. Hah, for those who know me, I never reply unless 1) I got to see it and it's important, 2) I anticipated it, 3) I feel like it. Haha. I truly feel sorry for my future partner in life. Oh and it is a dream of mine to get married and give birth, so I'm assuming as much. Unless "the devil" truly hates me. (laughs)

Still, I want to leave this post in such a good mood. Try to help me a little. What would readers of this super boring life want to do now after I've hinted before that I hated myself and now that I clear it up? As I said, I love and hate myself so the true feeling is love! Don't be so damn arrogant. Look at it in my perspective! And my last word of advice. I was always thoughtful about the reason why I could actually spend time reading mangas even if I don't have time to eat myself. I would actually love to give up eating for mangas. Happily! "<3" But at the end of the day reality dawns on me. Always and always. That's why Eccleciastes (spell check?) said that all is vanity and even pleasure is because you will always long for it but never become satisfied. We are, afterall unsatiable beings, how awful. I am so pessimistic like this. But, it's a good thing for me, so don't worry. I might be masochistic. OMG. I don't even want to find out through bondage. Haha. I might be underage but I kind of know that stuff after reading a lot too. :3 Don't idealize me as a quiet innocent girl. I can only act like that, but my mind is like "Bullshit! Who could believe in such things?" It must be that I really have alter egos. But my mood doesn't change so radically so multiple personalities is out of the question. I might just have an inclination to both natures. I always thought I was dual in nature (Gemini) but that the dualism is opposite, so they kind of balance. (Which then also makes me sadistic? Oh no!) Haha.

Tell me, am I disgusting now? I really want to disgust everyone. So that I'd know the reason immediately if they avoided me. But if they previously had contact with them and was actually in a good friendship, then they leave me, I might break to pieces. I love the people who are dear to me. Hah. I went overboard and offtopic. Forgive my lousy writing and all. But in actuality, I find it rather intriguing to write like this. It's a new style, or maybe just not as repetitive as before. Must be some kind of magic. Reading does good for anyone. Haha. (Oh no, I laughed with perverted thoughts. I just remembered how I said I am a little informed in that area.)

But really, it takes me four paragraphs to say goodbye? Damn! No, I'm trying not to curse. I don't think I can even say that out loud. Embarrassing (-.-) Haha. Oh well, I'll learn in time, either to totally cut it off or to just communicate well with spoken words, not written ones! Writing stuff is totally COWARDLY. Anyway. Don't fret. Seriously don't. I don't want people to pity me. This is also something my future partner in life should take note of. I'm a woman with a lot of pride. So I'm almost like Nana (the singer), I think pride and vanity are more important things. Hahahaha. But everything is vanity. So what does MATTER? Who knows.

Still not ending the topic. I pity the reader. Well anyway, seriously, no one reads this anyway. It just feels good to hope. Oooooooooooooooooh~ I finally mentioned it! You see whenever I run away from reality by doing anything I please, like reading mangas or watching animes (which I rarely do. Mangas are much better!), I always end up emptier afterwards. But I'm always happy in the middle. It's sad but I think time takes everything away. It really does. Hah, but with time as my enemy, I don't stand a chance. No one does. But we always try to control it somehow, by clocks and all. In truth I think studying is useless. No, maybe it's a good thing to keep me focused for when I truly find something I can chase with all my being. I still haven't found it. I wonder what it will be. Carreer as an engineer? as a singer? as a model? as an actress? as a doctor? or will I chase after a man? a princess dream? a rich person's dream? All these, I've considered but none are to my liking. I only know I can't live without doing something about school, without unwinding, without music and without something new once in a while.

Aaaaarrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhh! I can't finish NANA this way! So here, let me expound on the I always end up emptier afterwards. I mentioned we're such insatiable beings right? It's the same. We can never find the same feelings at one moment so we always try to compare it and it frustrates us that there are special times when it isn't even on the same level. So we end up empty. Chasing for a feeling that has long past us. But I can live. With my priorities still in check. I am about to crash with all these, but I get by much better. No one can access me in the weekends though. I am really locking up myself during these times. Because I know I CAN'T do this when I have classes. Not to the full extent of satisfying myself. So I pour out everything during the weekends and I end up cramming. But I'm happy. For some weird reason I know everything will turn out okay. Everything will be fine. I realized after taking a bath one day (by the way I really think about stuff. a ton. when I take a bath. it's my most peaceful time) I realized I knew the answer all along. The reason isn't self-confidence. No, I might even lack in that area. The reason isn't trust or belief. No, I have those for myself, but they're not the true reason why I can relax during weekends. The true reason is hope. It's because I always have hope. I have hope that I can finish what I need and that I can handle it. When I look up at hope I begin to understand. Hope stirs something inside me that makes me do things. Having that doesn't mean you totally trust yourself or believe in your abilities. It's just that you look forward to something, meaning you know what you want exists and that as long as you see it you can move. Hope is such a powerful thing. I want it, even more than faith, even more than love. Because with it I can live by myself. So I don't need you to feel bad for me. After all I said I'm not suicidal nor do I hate myself. I actually love my goofy side. The side of me that's unpredictable and still predictable at one point. I really am happy... and sad... Now I've found the right word to describe me,

Contradicting