Sick Cruelty

I seem to be suffering from an illness that I cannot get over. Although I am physically sick as my temperature is higher than the norm, it's not about that. I'm referring to a special dream I had that haunted me until I awoke. I know I am clueless and rather immature when it comes to the topic of love, but life is rather a beautiful topic for me... and so when I opened my eyes to my internal alarm clock, I found myself out of breath. I wonder why I didn't see him per se, but once I saw him, I knew he was what I was looking for. Like a friend of mine says I might be desperate or deprived of things like love, but maybe, just maybe, I am tired of this sick game of hide and seek. I hide from those who show me goodness and I seek for the inexistent being. I pity those around me that I have and will hurt, but my heart does not belong to anyone. I am sure the dream strengthened my belief in such silly concepts of true love and such, but we can't help ourselves but believe. Even though I'd love to open my eyes for once to see the true faithful people around me, I know deep inside that I will hurt them once more so I set a barrier around me until I fully understand the meaning of loving someone. I don't want to hurt anybody, I'm sure we all don't want to see people around us suffering., which is why I lead a quiet life, but I never knew that in my silence people are watching and in my actions people misinterpret things that I cannot change. I feel a sense of cruelty, a truly cruel person knows and does nothing. I have the knowledge but I do not have the initiative nor the experience to actually apply such insights. It is bad enough that I am confused with myself but to injure others in the process is seemingly inhuman. I wish to stay away from them though I know it is futile. My natural reaction in truth is to run away as I have realized and my other reactions are to pretend nothing happened or to forget and to reject immediately. I learned the latter through an experience of hurting a best friend and I seriously don't want to go through that again, but it seems until I find my true answer, I cannot stay away from such situations. So until I discover the person that haunted me in that dream, where I scurried away, out of breath and heart skipping beats with just one eye contact, I will remain in search of a true self that I can present to that person. I always thought that if I became a little better at things I am not good at someone will scoop me up from where I stand and take my breath away. Looks like life isn't as easy as waiting for things to happen, but either way, I don't think I should try every other guy that comes along, I still want to get to know them first before I actually return some form of feelings. But one can't help to misinterpret my attention and care for love. People who like other people seem to lead a life of shallow happiness where one little attention makes their whole body tingle with a feeling of complete bliss. But I, who have become rather immune to such things, want to actually wake them up and tell them the straight truth. I know it is rather inhuman in both ways, although I think other people prefer the first cruelty, I find it difficult for the part of the cruel person to actually live day by day subconsciously thinking about those things. I know and I feel that some people will find their destiny without rushing things and in this age, though people may argue about immaturity, I think I am still too young for love matters. And so for the future person that I might meet, I want you to break the ice in me and melt me with your stare.~