Coward.

Okay, I just realized how frustrated I am about writing or typing. Whenever I start blogging I just tend to drag it on and on. I just noticed how incredibly long my posts are and I guess I'm thankful I posted them here and not elsewhere.

So, some comments about my blog.. I guess I would like to hide under 'shinouyuki' now simply because it was scary how my math teacher found out things about people by typing their names and searching google. I don't think it's creepy to type them out of curiosity. But it is scary how much they can learn because you want to keep things you write 'personal' or at least not broadcasted in front of the class as a side comment. But I still put on a humiliating picture that I think is cute. Hey, I don't particularly like my face. I just think it's so-so or maybe below average since my pimple breakouts. Hah, how tiring to be a girl.

Now tell me the answer to this question I keep asking myself. I know I can't find the answer as easily as I want to by asking. I kind of get the point that making decisions matter only when you decided it yourself and when you're resolute. So... is it bad to run away from your troubles by pleasing yourself with things you love?

My phrasing of the question is without a doubt biased. Oh and about being judgemental and biased, I have another question that my teacher asked, can you be completely free of bias?

And so I end up with two questions when I just wanted to ask one. How come my words instantly multiply anyway? Oh and now I have three questions. Let's see, the answer to the third is pretty simple. I just think people associate things to remember them that is why I get off topic too much. It's extremely tiring to read something that always goes off topic or runs around aimlessly, but I believe it's inevitable, for me at least. I mean if I put effort into a formal letter or formal article, it would naturally have limitations, but come on, this is a blog. You can't possibly take for granted the fact that everything I talk about has a certain context and so I try to explain things that are seemingly unrelated but associated to the main things I want to talk about. So please bear with the length. I predict another epic.

After answering the last question that came up, now I want to tackle the second one. I have to set up a good foundation first before blowing everything up with the first question. I'll try to make this short-er than I would. So my answer is... no. I answered it in like 2 seconds. After my teacher phrased the question, I thought for a second and my head moved sideways signalling no. But another student answered almost resolutely yes. I can't remember it much but it was like an answer that was trying to convince people that it is possible. I don't know myself, but I tried to picture myself freeing myself of all bias and a picture of my old self flashed. Hah, how funny. I can't describe myself before but I know that I was too passive. Almost lifeless in being a passive person. That was the time when I really didn't mind things like fashion, appearances, intelligence and the like. That was my vision of being totally free of bias. It might be because during a transition to this 'version' of me, I decided that it's utterly boring to not have expressions, not have opinions, to not side with something, to not react to anything, to not get excited or even to not exaggerate anything at all. You see the previous me was outwardly 'uncharacteristic' and I believed having 'opinions' brought forth certain unconscious 'bias' to things you don't like. We can always compromise, I guess. But there will always be some points we can't possibly 'like'. And bias goes with choosing as well. How can we know what to chose when we can't bias against things? I just believe some things in life have different values for people, so with that alone we have bias. I don't know how you think, but I don't want to change how I think, at least with this point. I tried to look at it the other way. Unfortunately, I failed.

Technically, that was short. Hey, I was restraining myself, no matter how long that was. -.- Anyway, it seems like I need to finally explain the last question. I don't have an answer. That's all I can tell you about my decision. But my body tends to act towards pursuing desire. Don't think of it in a perverted way. I was simply talking about doing the things I love, which is actually reading manga. Or at least that's what I love for now. I should inform you, I change 'hobbies' or 'interests' every two weeks to a month on the average. My longest hobby would have been... playing ragnarok for the first time (a year and three months), my shortest was learning how to be critical in listening to notes (one hour). Now my manga-craze has been going on for about two weeks or so and this is my second time having a 'craze period', if I can call it that. I had around five craze periods for ragnarok before. You see I always have my homeworks over the weekend. Even during weekdays, but the main problem lies in doing my homeworks during the weekend. I can't seem to manage time well. No, I really can't. NOT at all. I wish I could though. So at least I can do whatever I want properly. But whenever I reach the weekend, my body longs for pampering because it is stressful to work. I'm not supposed to be stressed, compared to my sister or whatever, but my own mind stresses me. I can't not do my homeworks. I can't not care about my studies. I can't not prioritize it over everything during weekdays. But when weekends come I always run away from my studies and whenever I run away from it, I end up running away from everything and find comfort in what I currently love. I love the stories. I am satisfied. No, more than satisfied. I am happy with reading mangas. I am overjoyed with creating my own whenever I dream or daydream. I don't know anymore what I want. I can't want both, right? But I need to. My studies don't even demand so much from me anymore, but I think I still demand too much from myself. WHY am I such a coward? Is it because I can't handle it? Do you think I'm weaker than I give myself credit for? I thought I could handle it. I thought, 'Maybe I can' but the 'maybe' made a big difference before. So why now? I am anxious, actually. I can't... seem... to find myself. I am lost. I ran away from home and hauled myself back but I lost myself on the way. It may seem impossible. But it's true. I lost myself when I pursued what I knew made me happy and time made me force myself back to reality so now I am half-empty (it's not pessimistic view, but compare it to before and this term gives the true way looking at it). So it looks like it did me harm trying to chase after my desires, but I don't have a solid dream to chase that's why I can easily chase these desires. I have no true goal, maybe that's why I lost myself. Or maybe... I never had that part of myself before. So I have this problem of finding myself again and I always go back to reading mangas maybe to try to relieve the feeling of anxiety or worry or maybe to hope that I'll find myself by doing that. And I ask you with all I've told you and all that you still don't know... is it alright to run away, to hide, to seek in isolation... to be a coward? I'm trying to phrase it in the other bias to exaggerate things. So I might want to get a scolding, but I think I'm just preparing for it so I the blow will lessen a bit.

Oh, it seems shorter than usual. I really am restraining myself. Also, time is ticking. I will try to start the things I need to do. I seriously will. I must. I have this responsibility to do so, but I'm tired. So tired... of forcing myself. Half of what I do is forced and half is due to fear. I can't seem to find the 'silver lining' or the 'light'.

Just a (edit)second to the(end of edit) last note, I just read something that noted something about 'I'm not thinking about anything. I'm trying not to think.' Then the reason why she wasn't thinking or something was because thinking too much will make people blow up or explode. No, my memory is too much. It seems that's the only way I can remember the message. The title... I forgot, but I remember it's the oneshot about a guy having an affair and telling the first time he met his wife and how he wondered why he married her.

My last note... really last... has some relation with the manga 3 Years and Parfait Tic. I love both, but I was wondering how people hated it. The idea of timing is really hated huh? Wrong timing, isn't much of a reason, after all. But I believe it's true. It doesn't have much to do about being simple-minded, although I am simple-minded to some extent. The fact that a girl lost love because she failed to realize her love has something to do about timing. The girl might be too foolish if people look at it that way or too 'easy' but I think there are times in life when timing will just be bad. I can't blame the girl if her pacing is slow. I mean you can't criticize late bloomers, right?? I personally hate it when people rush me. I seriously hate it, so how could I blame the person? People might argue that the girl took things for granted, and I say, yes, we all do. I take a lot of things for granted, but as long as I don't complain when they're gone and I treasure the time I had them... I don't think it was totally useless. What I love about the 3 Years girl is that she realized she can't be with someone she doesn't ultimately love. So about the complexity in Parfait Tic... timing is bad, really bad. Bad for Daiya, bad for Ichi and hard for Fuuko. Bad timing... I believe there is such a thing and we can't ever hate mangas and stories that end with such things, because not everything goes the way we hope to in life. And te main point is that even though I hope... so much... so strongly... that I can find my answer to this endless hobby-hopping. Is it good or bad? What do you think? What do you believe?

Edit: Interesting I skimmed through the previous post and I realized I made errors (I only got to see one... my that was supposedly me) and I foretold this post. I don't have ESP or anything, but interestingly enough I used the same word to describe myself... I said there "cowardly" and I said here "coward". Really interesting. Oh and by the way if you did perhaps read the previous post, I noticed the topic is kind of... similar. I might have talked about this before... I guess it's still bothering me now. It's pathetic to think I always, always repeat my own mistakes. I never learn, do I?