Lost Hope
I have been wondering for the past few years how laid back my life is when it comes to things I want to do and things I wish to accomplish. I'm sure with the various technology presented to our generation, it's very difficult to only chose one skill, one specialty or even one hobby. I was always afraid to decide for myself what path I should take or what one thing I should take on so I always did things without intending to continue that hobby or something. You could call me temporary for I devote myself for something that I want for that exact moment. Well, with the exception of my studies, I always deviate my likes and dislikes according to my mood.
Various thoughts have entered my mind about how wonderful it would be if I didn't have a choice in my own life... if someone decided it for me then I wouldn't need to hate myself for it. But, in a way I'm only looking for a scapegoat. Someone to command me on what to do so that I can continue to live with myself... to live as I am. To add to that, thoughts of being gifted or granted only one artistic feature... like painting, sculpture, photography, fashion, etc etc... these things always made me envy other skilled beings. I believe it wouldn't even matter to me if I lost my own reason, my knowledge, my intelligence... my only boon. If only I could find one thing I can be extremely passionate about... then maybe, just maybe my life will be much more colorful. Much, much more fulfilled... and then I wouldn't have to stray away from things after trying them out and end up wandering in the midst of all the possibilities.
It's not really good for me to rant like this, but as the school days draw nearer I feel the need to free myself of this burden. This pain I feel suddenly appeared after seeing a video of some truly talented person. I always gave up halfway, you know... and seeing someone like that... despite the difference in age... it made me feel worthless. The title, is as it says... I have lost hope of regaining such talent. I do not know if this is truly what I want and what I desire in life... but I know that not having such a skill is what pains me so. It must be something that I think is important enough to make me helpless at the thought that I can never achieve such a level of greatness.
I am well aware that we cannot compare ourselves with others, but I am helplessly trapped by such thoughts. My mind has been cornered by my own weaknesses and now I am breaking down even to the point of writing it all away just to lessen the load... in hopes of someone offering to light this unfortunate candle. The great wind has blown away the fire within it and thus it grows cold. It's not that I do not believe in the being that resides above us, but that, as it seems, the clouds have hindered me from seeing and believing. I wish this temporary storm will wash away instead of creating a violent hurricane and destroying the peace that I have loved so much.
Various thoughts have entered my mind about how wonderful it would be if I didn't have a choice in my own life... if someone decided it for me then I wouldn't need to hate myself for it. But, in a way I'm only looking for a scapegoat. Someone to command me on what to do so that I can continue to live with myself... to live as I am. To add to that, thoughts of being gifted or granted only one artistic feature... like painting, sculpture, photography, fashion, etc etc... these things always made me envy other skilled beings. I believe it wouldn't even matter to me if I lost my own reason, my knowledge, my intelligence... my only boon. If only I could find one thing I can be extremely passionate about... then maybe, just maybe my life will be much more colorful. Much, much more fulfilled... and then I wouldn't have to stray away from things after trying them out and end up wandering in the midst of all the possibilities.
It's not really good for me to rant like this, but as the school days draw nearer I feel the need to free myself of this burden. This pain I feel suddenly appeared after seeing a video of some truly talented person. I always gave up halfway, you know... and seeing someone like that... despite the difference in age... it made me feel worthless. The title, is as it says... I have lost hope of regaining such talent. I do not know if this is truly what I want and what I desire in life... but I know that not having such a skill is what pains me so. It must be something that I think is important enough to make me helpless at the thought that I can never achieve such a level of greatness.
I am well aware that we cannot compare ourselves with others, but I am helplessly trapped by such thoughts. My mind has been cornered by my own weaknesses and now I am breaking down even to the point of writing it all away just to lessen the load... in hopes of someone offering to light this unfortunate candle. The great wind has blown away the fire within it and thus it grows cold. It's not that I do not believe in the being that resides above us, but that, as it seems, the clouds have hindered me from seeing and believing. I wish this temporary storm will wash away instead of creating a violent hurricane and destroying the peace that I have loved so much.
posted by angel_up3 at 4:01 PM
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