Memoria.

It's been so long since I last posted. Well you know, I was meaning to post something last month or so... during the sembreak, but playing ragnarok while reading manga kept me from doing that.

Hmm, but that's not really the real reason. I just can't seem to type anything when I'm using my brother's pc and well it took me a long time to get away from that big-screened desktop.

So now... memoria. I'm going to try to include my previous topic.. if I can remember what I was supposed to say, and put in my lost memories of singing. So I'll explain first. The supposed previous topic was "Partner." or "Boyfriend." but the second one sounds too uhh aggressive. haha. I'll tell you about why that topic came out after I explain the "lost memories of singing." I was part of a choir in my previous school because... well all my brothers and sisters were part of it. Then when I transferred schools, I had a hard time dealing with the practice times and all, so my presence faded away. And just oh right three days ago we had our reunion concert. I missed singing. I missed the stage and the applause. But I didn't feel nostalgic at all. So then and there is why I referred to my memories as lost. Nevertheless, I have come here to reminisce and to recall whatever is left.

I'll call this the bf arc, since I'm not really sure how long this'll take. This arc started when I met an Indonesian while playing ragnarok. He's pretty perverted, if I can say so, but he does have a sweet and nice side to him. He knows a lot about food, or he's interested in it so much. And he also wants to visit this country of mine. We have around the same timezone but we always, always.. and always meet up at around 3am - 6am. I was nocturnal at that time so it's no big deal.

Our conversations ranged from sex to dating to how to deal with boys and girls to food to countries to what places is good to go to, then anime then to the dark side of anime/hentai then off to anywhere at all. At around the time when we got to dating and relationships, he persistently told me to get a boyfriend. One to three boyfriends, he said. And although getting one bf is hard enough for a "no boyfriend since birth" (shortcut to nbsb) girl, he incredibly influenced me to think openly about it.

Then came a time when I looked at every guy as a guy. You have to understand I used to just look at guys as... people. Haha. I mean I never considered them as partners/bfs. With my little experiment I found out my friend was right (in my opinion, shortcut to imo) when he said boys fall in love first. The thing is, if I ever noticed any guy, I had this tendency to actually see the good sides of that person. And I predict (if it happens) that when I spend time with that person I might magically get to see the bad sides. Now the problem is... I don't particularly care about any guy. I don't think looks are worth using as an attractive basis, since all of us have good sides or good qualities that are worth loving. So... the only actual way I ever get to "like" someone is when he likes me. I always thought that this was wrong... so I end up trashing the side of me that became attracted to the good sides of that person, and thinking (hoping and wishing) that I will find love first.

Since my little experiment, I tried being open to lots of possibilities.. like "liking" this perverted friend of mine. In truth I grew really fond of him, but I learned to differentiate this feeling. Anyway, after realizing all that, a few options opened up to me. First I married someone for the heck of it in ragnarok. Second I couldn't care less if some stranger got my cp number. Hmm, well I can't think of anymore... but anyway, I still can't get a bf, and some part of me still insists on finding someone to like first.

Wow, the bf arc is done. Now the memories arc. So as I said I transferred schools and all. You know somehow I regret transferring schools, but not totally. I regret it because now I end up as dull as a book. Perfect! Even my comparison is dull. You see I think I get to maximize my capabilities in a place where people won't expect too much of me... thus not taking intarmed. Shh. I'm not that smart in the first place, so why push it to such an extent? But I don't regret it since it's done and it has already passed. I can't do anything about it. I am actually happy of who I turned out to be, which is weird. I think I was just contemplating the idea of expanding my resources... my street knowledge... since I just realized my stupid book knowledge is stupid.

Now, I miss singing. From the bottom of my heart I can tell you I miss it. It simply became my life. In truth, music became my life. I'm even struggling to find an instrument I can play today. I mean... I need formal lessons and all but I don't have the talent. I never did have any talent... I pity myself in this way, you know. I mean having so many successful siblings puts a heavy burden on my shoulders. I always... always feel myself comparing myself to them. Yes, I am truly the source of my pity. :3

So I went off topic for a while there... memoria. I might've exhausted all that I wanted to say in the back of my mind. I mean I repeated this thought, this topic a hundred times already and now I'm left with nothing more to say x.x

I might add stuff when I remember them. My memory has gone bad.. and it's like time to sleep.. so nyt :3