Mother's Day... hahanohi (a trivial matter...? May 12, 2006)

My best friend's birthday is today and well he told me something I thought about for a while. I'm not sure.. I mean ever since I saw a magazine containing the new bonus stuff for mother's day, I went to the internet to check the date of Mother's day itself. After finding out it is May 14.. I wanted to give her something special.. but I can't earn anything for the matter being, I am still inexperienced to take up a job, even if it's just a part-time one. Even the money my school gives me is barely enough to keep me alive for a month.. but no matter how small the money was, I didn't want to waste a single cent of it.

• If ever you knew, I depended on my classmates to give me free food whenever they have plenty of money.. and seriously..I feel bad about it. It doesn't make me profitable, since I don't even use the money the school gives me..and it only goes to PTA fees, or class fees or even for my brother's sake. No matter how bad my stomach ached for food.. I don't give it freely. Although sometimes I did, I mean I sometimes can't help the pain so I'd buy something to drink.. but normally it would be at least P 20/25 each day that I'd spend... or every other day...or even once a week. I've been living with money like it was meant to be kept in my pocket... but freely given to my family. They call me their bank, but I think not... maybe I am a bank, a place where my mom gives money and when she needs it I give it back to her.. then the interest..more like 15% goes to my own stuff. It just so goes that people think highly of having the school pay you and stuff...maybe...maybe I'm in a well-off family, maybe I have the liberty to waste money and use money as I may please, but whenever I face money, with being responsible over it..I'd think otherwise. I'm not one who can ask my parents for money like they owed it to me..but I'm the one who can't even tell them not having a daily allowance hurts my stomach everytime I wait for them. But no matter how much I try not to waste.... when the time comes that I am with them and they are spoiling me...I'm wasting more than I have been hoping. Now I know this is off topic.. a whole lot, but somehow it feels I am unable to find a resolve for myself. As discipline shows a great importance in this life of mine, I become someone without discipline, and thus my world shatters. In truth, I don't intend to start my new school year with a daily allowance...maybe I'd rather stay as I am and not eat, I mean it might get tiring to keep the hunger, but I'm sure it would be fine as to I can discipline myself to eat meals well. But as I am in need of more things in life...I find myself still...rather lost.

Okay, enough of offtopic stuff. I'll proceed... Well maybe I'd say not spending a single cent is good, but somehow, where did all those unspent cents go? Why can't I sum up the money to be able to buy a gift? I've been spending summer facing a computer, in truth I've grown attached to it, interested in it and growing in it's presence. It does not satisfy me, but day by day, being with it has been habitual, and I even learned to let go of it. So, for this mother's day..what can I offer? I can barely find anyone who could take me out to go shopping... I can barely find the money I need...but what can I do?

• As one feels the need to experience life...but does not know what life is..they somehow wander on lost. But as one might think, no one else should bring those lost people to a certain destination, rather other people must show them that there is an existent destination.
• People often want to prove to themselves that their life is worth something. But how can one do that? That may be the only thing that another person cannot show a lost person, rather they might need to be shown the proof that someone's life can be worth something. I'm not saying I am not lost, but neither am I saying I am totally lost.. for I still believe that no one is totally lost, for knowledge may keep them on track and emotions may blind their path..but I'm quite sure someone is still leading them.

Anyway, still my mind wanders. Back to topic... what can I do? Up to now I haven't been able to do as I desire, as I plan and as I have wanted. Maybe I can't do anything, but that is depended in my state of mind. Let's see...if you really intend to know, I've planned on drawing something for my mother... I wanted for her to see that although one does not have talent..with passion one can prove their existence, their offering or even their slight gift. Maybe there is another path for me to take, and I've been reluctant to pursue it...but that depends on me for now. I might take it, and I have a feeling I will take both, for a person cannot truly succeed when they keep giving up. Now about mother's day. I think I've formed a resolve in preparation for the coming of mother's day, but what about it? My best friend tells me that mother's day is far more important than his birthday.

• In truth, if I were in his place.. if I was faced with that same situation, at that exact time, even without the age difference...I'd be saying the same. For birthdays, no matter how special it may seem, cannot compare to the wish of one to thank the person who introduced them to the world. But since I'm not in his place, and I could say I'm not totally convinced that birthdays can't be that special for anyone anymore, I only wish he would enjoy his time. For no matter how fast time flies, one cannot percieve the extent of their life, nor the importance of it.

Offtopic again >_> anyway, no one needs to read the ones in bullet form.. well actually no one needs to read this. I publish this for the sake of my existence being noticed. But anyway, sometimes I don't care so much :) Although I would have to say it is typical of me to post as for I am undoubtedly seeking the attention anyone would :D ooh...that was offtopic. Then as I suffered into not knowing what to reply, I stood by my belief, or rather a dream, of seeing birthdays are special days. However, as he had pointed out.. I am different from him and for his age, birthdays does not seem that special anymore. That birthdays seem to become a hectic day nonetheless. As I found myself unable to counter or rather further stand by my belief, I simply viewed it as "a few things someone like me may not be able to understand at such an age". Awkward enough, I still wish he could get the happiness one searches for in their birthday...as for I would want myself. Time for lots of offtopic texts.

• Hmm.. let's see. After more than a week (I think) of posting in the XSC forums, I kind of realized that time.. no matter how different in other countries, still flowed. And seriously, since I noticed the difference in time between a lot of people, I started to not mind it...that I would only mind how much time passed by and not the time it is now. For maybe they are both of equal importance..but then, if you really think of it, you cannot determine both, and usually it is only the intervals which we are able to use. In eating meals, well I'd rather think of the 4-6 hours intervals, rather than if you ate morning, lunch at 12 or dinner at another time. Maybe this has been my life because I am unable to find a resolve of what time I should sleep...
• Another thing, since I've been mentioning existence for many times in this post, I'd love to explain why. I watched the anime "Shakugan no Shana"... a 24-episodes anime that concerns Sakai Yuji and his life after meeting Shana, a Flame Haze -one who is responsible for maintaining the balance between the world of the humans, and another world named Guze. The point here is..what if one day you found out that you were a torch -a person who remains in the human world as a remainder of the existence of a true human eaten by Tomogaras, only put there as a temporary replacement to keep the balance of the world intact, for if one person disappears suddenly, the humans will become uneasily disturbed, rather than when a replacement is put but will eventually be forgotten? Guze no Tomogaras are the people who feed in power of existence from human beings. Which means, Tomogaras eat existent beings (humans) to be able to live on, and thus the person eaten will be gone forever. Torches are really the remainders of the part of the person eaten (of course the trace of the person will still be left, so that might explain it) and torches eventually fade away from existence, therefore, they are forgotten after a certain time. There are also special torches that serve as a container for the powers of Tomogaras, which are called Mistes. Yuji was a Mistes, a torch that contains a special power, and even if he knew he wasn't the "real" Sakai Yuji, he still believed he could be the Sakai Yuji. What Yuji strives for..the proof that he existed, even though he will one day fade away, is what many people strive for. A proof that they lived, a purpose in their lives and a way for their lives to be remembered. I wouldn't actually know.. but I think everyone is trying to find that existence. The life that will be remembered even though they're gone. As Yuji said one time "It isn't the fact that I'm going to be gone that hurts, it's the fact that I will be forgotten" or it goes something like that. So, as you might understand, I strive for that life, I strive for a purpose, but, like everyone else, I need to do it by myself :) So, now... I have found a resolve, that I'll live, and even though it may hurt to be forgotten, I will die even if I was forgotten, but I will definately not forget anyone from my life. That until the very end...I'll fulfill my wish, through fulfilling it for them. :) That may be better than dying without a resolve and dying wishing someone would remember them. Now now, it's soooo off topic, but let's see... a mother, no matter how much she treated a son or daughter will be remembered as a mother. So I celebrate this Mother's Day, for acknowledging her existence..once a year. And as I hope, I'll continue to acknowledge her existence through this one day. :)
• Hmm.. remember I mentioned that as I rested my case concerning his birthday, I would only view it as "a few things someone like me may not be able to understand at such an age" I'm sure, not totally, but with my whole being, I'm sure that no matter how I speak up to any situation/topic or anything like that, I remain and will remain, unintelligent, unknowing and thus ignorant. That no matter how intelligable my answer may be, I will always remain a person ignorant of many things. I viewed it without the word ignorance because he is not stating one that could be understood through mere facts, through mere books...but one that can possibly be understood...that I can comprehend when I experience it. It does not matter how I would feel towards it, but the fact that I was able to see myself at that exact age may influence me to think the same as he did. I'm sure... no matter how I express myself, I can never determine the whole truth, for I think the truth itself is not one big thing. It could be a truth the undermines the other truths...but for whatever reason...I may not be able to find out that truth... but as human nature fills my being, I am one who still believes in hope. Hope makes people unbelievably great.. there is no definite hope, but I am quite sure it is one of the strengths and weaknesses of a human. :) For it is my own.

So then I rest with this post in mind. Nothing...and I repeat Nothing in this post is utterly true... nothing for me.. can totally be called the truth, but I can reference the truth to my being. So I then say, everything, every emoticon and every ... and . are true for me. That is...I do not intend to influence you in any way... not anything, I really don't intend to make your head ache either.. although my head is spinning right now. It is really up to anyone to read... and only... for my selfishness, do I post such nonsense. You would know that people themselves cannot actually say what's on their mind... so my form of communication is..through typing. And this is my hobby also.... that no matter how I post... I am satisfied that I've posted my mind for the day. That is because it is hard to carry ones thoughts all their life.. without anyone knowing really. Then I bid you good bye.. ~take care, God Bless!! :)

>_>? (2006..oh heck... May 3, 2006)

Hmm... I'm not too sure how I am today... my eyes hurt a bit, ugh I guess it's because I slept late again, I did it for two days in a row now.. I slept 5:30+ AM hmm... but anyway the other day it was because I wanted to post something in the XSC forums.. something about tradition stuff. Then yesterday it was because we (my two sisters and my mother) have been watching My Lovely Kim Sam Soon for around a week now, using youtube.com as a streaming site and well... that's kind of a bonding time lol. But yesterday it took so late (until 3+ AM) because we had to go somewhere in Imus, Cavite to visit the grandmother of my sister's boyfriend who died just last week. Anyway, since it was that far, we watched Too Beautiful to Lie while in the car. It was fun..lol but anyway :) enough said... I've been spending almost a week posting up in the XSC forums, then now along with AnimeOST.NET forums. Seems interesting that I learn much more from them than I expected (as from my old forums that had something to do with ragnarok). Just to say, forums are fun, it's where you get to read a lot of stuff people say..then you'd get to know them a little more..but you can also tell them more. I, myself can't express myself freely around other people..I'm not that sociable, but when it comes to forums, I find it easier.. how troublesome though, I'm such a coward. But anyway, enough about that.. why don't you visit XSC and check it out by clicking here or if you want to go to the forums directly, click here. Oh gosh.. I still know html but I'm starting to suck at it...need...practice... neeed to update a lot more stuff. Like my old old old website here or this direct link to the site itself..through clicking here. FYI... I used IFrames I think.. or Frames.. but whatever it is I used I don't like it anymore.. it totally isn't my type no more, so I guess I abandoned that site. But anyway somethings I usually update are this link here and here. Hmmpff... I'm still lacking 2 hours of sleep.. I woke up 'cause I thought the sched was MWF.. but then I felt soo tired after finding out my summer classes (eh for 3rd year hs I suppose) sched is tues, thurs and sat... :( disappointing... well I still reserved the 9th for yfc..and I guess it still stands, my mom said I'd have to go absent for that day.. and well I don't care so much because I was already absent the first day (the second of May..because I slept at like past 6 AM...lol. No wonder) Okay, okay I'm done I guess.. I think it's long enough..or so I thought. Anyway, for anyone out there.. just talk to me through the forums.. you'd know who I am there anyway.. the avatar (if you've been to my MP3 Archive site)..the name (if you've been to my anime blog) and the way I post (if you've been reading this like crazy..--refers to plainly reading it..as for just reading everything I've written is like a crazy act of wasting time..or just getting to know me =/ who knows) shows it all. ~take care, God Bless minna-san! Ja matta ne!~

btw.. mood: bored that everyday is the same.. lazy that I'd rather sit in front of the pc.. tired..so much my eyes hurt O.O
...song: seriously.. I've been shuffling my songs... currently Anime opening 1 (MeiQ!? Meikyuu!? Make You!?) of Detective School Q / Tantei Gakuen Q... not the best of it... I'd rather that the song was contrasting my mood.. so I choose the Anime ending 3 (Houki Boshi) of Bleach =D...

Akumu.. (2006.05.01)

The girl opened her eyes to reveal a place full of people. These people weren't really strangers, but she knew them surprisingly well. As for that place...it was like an orphanage... she saw herself standing beside the steps of an elevated part of the room. She was just watching people pass her by...as if she had awoken from a deep sleep and has regained control of reality. "What is reality?" she asks herself... "..it seems this isn't my world, but why do I walk without the faintest hesitation, speak to people without doubt that I know them, or even watch them like I have been doing this for a long time..?".

A minute passed her by and without uttering a single word, she followed onto the crowd. It seems as if the busy scene she had witnessed was a preparation for a meal...but not just 'a' meal, it was for many people. She had not wondered how many children she was seeing, but all she could think of is "...why...am I here?". She was not a fair maiden, nor was she as beautiful as the clouds, but she didn't mind how she looked like...for she was puzzled of her own existence. She did not feel the slightest unequal bond among the children she saw..her 'bond' between them was simple.. - they are not my bestfriends, not my close friends, neither do I adore them beyond all else, nor do I consider them dust on my feet...they are the people around me and I am one who will do everything for their benefit, considering.. I still value myself.

As for the meal they ate... she does not remember of it. Her time may be going too fast..or maybe something just pulls it to reach a specific destiny. Maybe she has overdone herself.. and thus causing a disruption in the way of things.. but enough about the theories. She was carrying bowls from the dining table... and she was with another girl. This girl is not one she is familiar with, even that girl's existence is unnoticed by her... she just knows she is beside another girl... a girl she has yet to come to know... but someone that her mind knows about. Her own consciousness does not recall this girl...but she acts as if she does. As for when they reached the kitchen..she does not know. She later on found herself entering a room. A old room painted in brown.. the color I cannot determine.. but the atmosphere was suffocating. The room had a few children in it... along the ranges of 4-8 excluding her and the girl she walked with. The room also had 3-4 big beds within sight...and along 2 cabinets..but not much furniture. She thought it was the first time she saw that room.. but her body moved like it knew every corner of it. Everything about that room was suspicious to her.. but she felt comfortable in it's presence. Why she entered that place...no one knows. I cannot begin to tell you of my reasons why..but in truth, someone might just have gathered them to tell of a story. As she sat down.. she feels comfortable..even beside people whom she does not know of...but that does not seem to be strangers. What happened afterwards...does not matter for her..for she sensed something approaching. She sensed a great deal of fear.. she sensed something coming...something that's going to happen...and in an instant she recognizes the fear. The fear from a lost memory... the feeling of intenseness that is stimulated by a certain person...and as she may have been comfortable a while ago.. she felt like she was with someone mysterious.. she was given an aura that she could not handle herself. Then with an immediate action, the story-teller..or so should I call...the mysterious person..was a little kid. She did not notice if it was a boy or a girl.. but that kid was fashioned with boy-cut hair..and without much reason..the kid tried to grab the girl she walked with. Given that she felt the fear before the kid revealed it's true purpose.. she was able to get the girl and brought her with her. As for the mysterious kid.. it chased her like crazy... she does not know why that kid wanted the girl from before.. but she knows that girl has something important to the kid. That something might not have been tangible for us all.. but it was like the girl gave it to her. She did not know how to handle it well..she does not even know if she has it. But as the kid chased her onto each bed.. she thought real hard of what her next step is... after she went to the last bed where it was beside a wall.. the kid had stopped chasing her. But there came a dog, a white dog with fierce teeth...it came running towards her. Fortunately for her, someone was able to stop the dog...and someone came to inquire about what happened. She knew that it was a secret to be kept... because the kid had acted as if nothing had happened. But whether or not everybody was to know of it... that would never cease her uneasiness... it would never help her with the fear she felt. Her heart skipped a many beats.. but even so she proceeded to her room... she does not remember of the path she took... but upon reaching the door of her room...she sensed it again... and behind her stood the kid... it was staring at her with anger..much like with eyes of fire... and as her heart trembled.. with a blink of an eye she entered her room. She still feared of that kid...even her own comfortable room could not ease the fear she felt... and the more seconds passed.. the louder her heart beated. She had thought of many ways to get out of that place. As she was reminded that she was placed in the 3rd floor... she did not know how she could escape out of her room...out of that place...to be very far away. She knew she couldn't fake an attempt to runaway..for all her heart cried to get away from that place... All she thought of was to be far away from the kid... just the kid...for she herself knew she couldn't fight that kid... she knew she couldn't kill that kid. And she knew the kid would get her if she stayed...

Time did not last as long as many might think..that I, the writer and witness of her charm, will speak more of her... but no.. I only tell of a short glimpse of a life of a person... a person 'puzzled by her own existence', a person with priorities set for the benefit of all..but who still sees herself as a selfish one. A person who 'feared' the unknown...and the known.. but most of all, a person who 'found herself trapped in the depths of fear itself'.

However one might read this.. no one would have known the end.. for I too wanted for it to end as peacefully as it is. But no matter how I explain it... I cannot tell of who.. what... where... when... of this whole "AKUMU" for I myself tried to create an ending.. or at least I bridged one for her. I do not pity her.. I don't think I know her... but like her... I'm sure deep in my mind I can find her. For anyone interested in the story itself.. I don't want to reveal it all.. I can't explain it.... I'm not a writer..not a pro. But I can surely tell anyone the "why" I wrote it... if you have any way of contacting me.. then sure I'll tell you. But in any case.. I wouldn't want for everyone to know =D Oh and mind me.. just research the meaning of AKUMU and you'll understand far more than you can read here... but anyway thanks for reading it..