Tonari no Atashi

[Spoilers warning for Tonari no Atashi and Ao Haru Ride]

It seems it has been a while.. my writing has been reduced to shreds so I have to apologize for this post.

Where should I start..? I honestly wonder, myself. It's a queer feeling knowing I re-read my blogs recently, and now it feels like I'm faced with someone I haven't seen for a long time and thus not knowing where to start. I guess they were right to say when you think of something after experiencing anything out of the ordinary, you should put them down to words, right away. It's just that I got used to writing here about things that weren't necessarily connected to me... or things that weren't on a personal level, but more of an intellectual one. One about behaviors, one about some emotions... I'll hold off on that point. I seem to be purposely veering away from the topic at hand.

Allow me to start off again to say, I have been quite interested in the shoujo manga genre since a long time ago. And with the flow of all of them, I have grown quite accustomed to the fact that the first guy to come along, or the one with the most past experiences, would happen to have the girl in the end. The point is that after updating chapters of Ao Haru Ride, I felt irritated for some reason. I understand the fact that people's feelings change and they can always go back and forth between people. I understand, and yet I cannot accept some of it. As some people have become annoyed by how Touma acts, I understand his situation as well. Love comes in all forms and shapes and they won't ever come out the way anyone would expect. Not even your own love will ever become predictable. Like no matter how Touma feels he is doing the right thing by making Futaba go out with him to forget about Kou, it may come off as deceiving for some people. I mean, can you imagine... you already know she isn't in love with you, but you confuse her and ask her out. So when I read some comparison posts in mangafox, I came across the title of Tonari no Atashi (and also Strobe Edge, but I don't think I updated Strobe Edge lately).

I usually look to reading things on the side whenever I feel a great pressure around me. And I have to say, I felt that A LOT lately. So when I started this manga a few hours ago, I wasn't expecting for me to be writing out (or should I say ranting/reacting out) after reading it. It starts off with the story of two childhood friends where the girl obviously has a crush on the guy. She keeps wanting to go near him and she keeps thinking about a future with him. From what I have understood in what I read, she honestly loves him. Nina honestly loves Kyousuke, as much as a middle school girl would. Fate isn't so nice to their love, though, as we find out in the end, Kyousuke felt the same way. From Nina missing her chance to confess, to her witnessing Yuiko kiss Kyousuke, the story went on a rollercoaster ride of misunderstandings. There's one thing I don't understand though... and it might be because it's in the point of view of a guy... but why did Kyousuke go out with Yuiko? Sympathy...? That would be totally lame. Pride...? Was it because he felt challenged? Did he fall in love? But the manga did give the message of how much he cared for her. Yuiko may seem like a true slut to some (as was said in some forum comments) but there is part of her that I understand. I would never defend her actions, though, but look at it as a girl helplessly trying to gain the love of someone who loves in a different way or maybe has different priorities, and then you see a gentleman who knows how to treat girls the way you would want to be treated. She was wrong and yet she was also just a human being with a confused heart.

What surprised me in the middle was that it was perfectly set up. The author developed the characters in a way that might come across as confusing, but it was deliberate how Nina and Kyousuke seemed to have less and less sincere interactions. Then I started to cheer for a guy that became interested in Nina. Miyake was greatly cool about his confession and how he approaches Nina. I'm sure it made people compare Kyousuke and Miyake, but they are completely different people. Kyousuke has his good and bad points and unfortunately for him, the bad points came at the exact timing that broke off their chances at a romantic relationship. Most shoujo manga would have some reason they have come up with to show how childhood friendships outlast some mishaps, or how if they're mutually in love, even if they went through different relationships, they'd end up together. The reality of it is... timing is everything. There are only a few chances to the things we want and need in life, and if we fail to notice the timing, we'd end up with regret. And I'm sure that's one feeling nobody wants in their life. We might be scared of failure, but regret is rooted too far down to even be forgotten. So when Miyake came along and became an important person for Nina, I became attached to this pairing. I actually cried (as I always do) when Miyake broke it off with Nina and then I found myself hoping for a miracle for them to get back together. Until I read the ending and it was beautiful.

I don't get to read that much shoujo manga that didn't patch it up for Kyousuke or for Yuiko to be happy together when the main girl chooses someone else. But I saw the reality of life and love, that I also thought I saw in Bokura ga Ita. Relationships... they may be a work of fate or destiny, but you'd have to understand that true love is one that you will have to strive for... one you will have to put a lot of effort into it... and the fact that you're putting so much into it means... it's something you know you don't want to live without.

I know I should've switched genres a long time ago but I still can't seem to let go of shoujo. Or maybe I can't let go of finding pieces such as this one that would put itself in the shoujo category but impart the misery of life and love within it.

Dreams.

As children, people were more keen on exploring the ideas of different dreams and there was an endless amount of possibilities in existence. Though we could see so little, the world was wider because we were ignorant of the basic things that hinder us from our true potential. What changed in the span of a few years? Whence comest thy source of change? For what purpose do we continue to strive as individual beings being swept away by the confines that define our society?

Sometimes I often wonder about the true purpose of life, but neigh, I am not here to delve into such matters. I am more selfish than that. I would not want to waste time on the recurring discussion of the true purpose of life. When the children from the story "School Days with a Pig," dared to ask the question of the purpose of one's life as compared to the purpose of a pig's life, we find ourselves questioning the basis of the inquiry. Though we laugh at the idea of a few kids raising a pig and sympathizing with the pig as if it were a person, deep down we are aware that such a notion of existence of pigs is no different from the question of our own existence. So as you can see, this discussion is not one that can easily be answered in any length of words. In fact, I believe it can never be answered in words. Some can try to take a tip of the iceberg, but no amount of sense can actually capture the whole essence of the purpose of life.

So then the question for the purpose of this post comes up and I'd have to point to the title to put it in simpler words. Now one might ask, which dream could this be? But in all honesty, does it even matter which one?

The dreams we experience in our subconscious when our body is asleep is also part of the dreams our existence yearns for. In one way or another, which cannot be totally interpreted as it is difficult to unlock the secret to our subconscious, those dreams we see when we sleep are part of the realities we so desire. But since the details in our desired realities are too many to count, our dreams become a twisted mesh of situations and events that rarely anyone ever remembers. The unfortunate thing is that as it is forgotten much faster than we can claim to interpret it, we do not learn from the yearnings of our subconscious. And for this reason, we can only fully rely on the formulation of our own conscious dream, which we put much effort into accomplishing.

The dreams we had when we were little were more adventurous and limitless. These qualities are somehow similar to the dreams we previously mentioned, but as we grow older, many realizations sink in and our own helplessness hinder us from achieving our full potential. But then the real question is now... what is our full potential? What dreams do we aspire to have? I don't believe dreams are constant things and that as we go our way through life they'll eventually evolve into the greater realizations that we should aspire to. Even with that thinking, how do we propel forward not knowing where to go and where it'll lead us? Only self-confidence or faith would allow us to do such things without reservations. And I only have the latter to keep me pegged onto the journey we call life. It is through my firm belief that I was created to fulfill a dream that will influence others to find their own, which is too vague to even call a dream. But even dreams can start out vaguely and the shorter goals will become those small details that we need to reassure us that we are walking on the path we have chosen as our dream. As the girl in the movie "The Signs of Love," had said in her interview, the fulfillment of dreams does not happen with just one stroke. It is a continuous process of reaching for that dream. And though the interviewer mentioned that it is difficult to do that, she simply stated that the struggle for the dream and the hard work and lessons put into that dream are the things that make life interesting. My dream... in this life... is simple yet complex, as everything about me always is... I wish to travel the world, to take in all that I can in improving people's lives through connections, through education and through their lifestyle. And this line of work may or may not be appreciated, but hopefully it can make others see light into the preservation of their own life and also in their safety as they go about their daily routines.

But how do we begin to achieve these things? Would we even last? As a person whose confidence level was put out before anything good could have come out of it, how can I even hope to imagine the dream that I wish to fulfill?

Tumblr reblogs

Tumblr... right? [Aug 20, 2011]

I’ve always been asked to create a tumblr account and all that, but I don’t really “see” or “feel” the need to make one. I’m probably just trying this out today… then I’ll get addicted to it for a maximum of two days and then I’ll forget all about it x.x

It’s the usual “routine” for my “hobbies”. Anyway, this will serve as the venue for my so-called “picked up hobbies” or for stalking more people on tumblr xD forgive me for that xDDD

MIA... supposedly. [Aug 20, 2011]

Ahh, I was gone from one of my scanlating groups for a while… like totally… a while. It’s partly because the weeks were hectic, and partly because I don’t like seeing too many untranslated parts xD

Although it’s really fine since I up and did it and then it’s done now //waiting for their translations once more.

Then I remembered that one manga was given to me… specifically. Now, browsing over the raws… it looks tiring. I get tired writing in jap keyboard and then in english keyboard just for the sfx because I can never be sure what I translated was right. There’s usually a good word for every sfx, but if you notice how they use them.. it’s amazing for such a difference in “ta” and “da” to indicate stronger emphasis. I don’t know.. it just seems amazing for such a culture to demonstrate naturally occurring sounds in strange ways. Like how different cultures say cock-a-doodle-doo or something.

So then I doubt I can submit this in two days, starting from today… since I have a bunch of schoolwork to finish, but I’ll try my best anyway. I’m sure with time management, everything can be done. Although, the cleaning of Futari should take more time than I remember, I reckon I should just up and do it until it’s done halfway, then bid time by asking them to release it as half a chapter. Hopefully, I can be done fast. :|

Points to ponder, questions never to be asked [Sept 3, 2011]

Marriage? When do we start to consider it anyway? After seeing part of the show “Shanghai Bride” one would start to wonder how people find the true ones for them. For 200 yuan that guy even braved a matchmaker and failed miserably… 2 years into his life and though many things failed he’s still ‘struggling’

When do we start to reach that point in time when everything fails us despite all the preparations we have done in our younger years? Nobody knows what the future brings and all we hope for are individualistic goals that will allow us the least bit of convenience once we become fully responsible for our lives. If that is so then there’s no certainty that if we study well now we’ll become well-off and I know in myself I won’t live as long as would be ideal anymore. Much of the studying actually got converted to the possibility of dying from natural illnesses…so I ask, since I never aimed for worldly fame no matter how ambitious I came off as, what is the whole point?

Awkward. [Sept 16, 2011]

It’s a pretty good english series if i might say, of course given that it’s made by mtv the soundtrack is great but the plot is a bit more realistic. Which then begs the question for me tonight, what are movies for when some trend towards a more ‘realistic’ view of life?

I’d just say get a life and don’t watch if you’re craving for realism…oh but wait I kinda forgot I didn’t have a life. I mean between getting sick from school, school itself and stuff that won’t seem to matter in the future, there’s no point in me telling anyone to get a life.

NTR [Sept 16, 2011]

And oh yes it’s the first time I ever heard of it. I dunno, some people may find it weird for me to dive into that genre with their assumptions of how conservative I am. Psshh who cares about outward appearances when they don’t even give a shit to think twice what I think.

But that’s not the point. This topic is slightly linked to the previous query of realism in stories. I mean people love making stories with no relation to reality at all, hence the term fiction, but still some authors have to consider the people who will read those works… Or maybe not since who would give a damn about some unknown author’s name, right? I found it weird how I am passive to the fact that some of what I read is truly unrealistic and I am able to bear with it…sometimes with a little ickiness but usually without batting an eyelash.

This newly found term is actually an interesting genre to explore when I’m usually…I was tempted to say bored but no…it’s more like when I’m usually in the mood for such things, which could be the result of an attempt to breakaway from certain external and real life factors. But otherwise I have accepted it as a naturally-occurring curiosity that seems rewarding only after a few months.

I’m sure I’ve bathed this post with vague descriptions but your mind will probably come up with a lot of reasons for why I posted this and truly it’ll only make sense when you see it from my perspective, else it’ll seem dubious and somehow you’ll reject all possible options and claim this as one of those posts where I will not make any sense at all.

Mysterious Island [Sept 18, 2011]

I forgot to note down that I watched this with my family a few days ago (or so I think because my body clock is currently extremely messed up. So much that it messed up my thursday class before… but oh well x.x)

Mysterious island is a Chinese horror film that actually didn’t scare me at all. I wonder what scares me (still saving up to watch Insidious in a good environment hahaha). But seriously, it just freaked me out a little since naturally horror is linked well with gore and some other things x.x (but I hate zombie movies out of all… dunno why)

Also, I had to add I watched Suckerpunch that day but it was plotless as hell. Not like I’m complaining to see a doll-faced… well baby doll? xD Anyway that film reeked of total game-style plot where you just had to have a few shallow “reasons” to get into fight mode. I’m not much of a gamer but yeah, it looks that way for me, else I’d categorize things as “games with beautiful plots” which are things I always go for (if ever I do go for games).

It's a bet. [Sept 19, 2011]

I feel like I always bet with myself regarding school work. Don’t you ever feel the need to actually stop thinking about all the things you need to do and do them? I don’t. I usually just think about them and I end up either doing them in crammed style or not doing them at all. What the hell is wrong with me? Anyway. exam in less than 4 hrs. Good luck to the person who didn’t even start studying until 1 hour ago.

So then it’ll go like this, I have a report due later, a paper probably due later and this exam and nothing is done. I’m betting I can come up with some miracle somehow and things won’t turn out the best way but they’ll turn out however way it will end up given the obvious tardiness of this stupid person. x.x

Although there is one thing I’m going to be pleading to God now… please allow me just one day without sleep. I’ll cut back on these things later but just one whole day to finish these things.

The things I miss and the things I do [Sept 21, 2011]

I miss fandubbing OTL and partly I can try today~! omg! But it won’t sound great as usual x.x part of my voice was gone when we went on strike a while ago.

Really… I’m not the type to go out of my way, marching and voicing out a strike to resist a budget cut for this school I’m attending (since it’s a state university and we get funding from the government) but you’ll have to understand that I’m actually fully dependent on the tax of the people and it is a responsibility in every right for me to number one, do my best and study my best to graduate and number two, give back to the people. If by going out and making people realize that there is hope in the strikes made, then it won’t all go to waste like I’ve always believed. I still think people shouldn’t skip their classes to promote this… No… Nobody has any idea what engineering imparts on its students in 1 hour and 30 mins of class… But there is a limit to being apathetic (which I always considered myself to be).

Like I told myself a lot of times before…many of the actions I do are affected by peer pressure and this is one of the reasons why I prefer to stay ‘focused’ and apathetic, which is also one of the reasons why I barely have any friends to speak of. It’s not like I don’t care but I don’t bother to move much for that purpose ^^

Anyway, there are still some things I need to finish so I wonder if I can still dub today OTL

[October 5, 2011]

“I thought that I could play on his level if I was just serious about it. But… I’m scared. Like, what should I do if I seriously gave it my all and I failed? I’m scared of realizing that I really do suck. I’m scared of doing my best. I really am not being serious about it at all. I just ran away.”

—	Aozora Yell

Rant. :3 [Oct 8, 2011]

Ahh there’s no link just yet. I’m almost finished with Karneval ch32 afterall. I’ll rant with this lighter one first… OMG this has been the toughest one to proofread so far! I mean, I usually have problems with the job just being strenuous, but this time around I checked every translation to see if they were correct OTL and the last bubble is true. There’s just THAT much of a cliffhanger in this series. I should just post up a mangafox discussion thread just for THAT. omg. I love gareki >.> what the hell will happen later? ;A; Anyway I have one more page to check for translation and one more message to get before I can post this up and someone can typeset it, but nevermind that.

I’m ranting for the fact that I can’t actually go beyond one day of no sleep. Why? My eyes hurt. I went to marathon that one whole 16-page paper and then prepared for an exam for 2 hours. Then took the exam for 3 hours (I was one of the longest ones sitting there). Then I FELL ASLEEP. And damn I soooo regretted that. Then went to class at 4… which turned out to be a no-show x.x so I studied for 1 hour for a FINAL exam. I FAILED that exam terribly. I couldn’t remember anything. No… nothing… and everything was dependent on those equations. I hated it. Thoroughly. Then I went home… watched a movie for an hour and GOD I FELL asleep again!!!!! But I had to pass a paper at 11:59. So I woke up at guess what time… riiiight 11:45. God loves to wake me up “just” in time to feel the regret. I finished it, but passed it at 12:03. I don’t care anymore. I feeeeeel so dead that I needed this day to rest. But I’m about to die again… and again… so I’ll make sure I don’t have much to think about later on >.> I hate this life and you know what? I don’t fail that bad for a trend like this. Can you imagine studying for 2 hours only? >.> hell I didn’t care at that time. There was NO TIME.

It has been a long time... [Oct 13, 2011]

since I’ve ever felt at peace in my own room again. I dunno, I think I’ve been freeloading off of my sister’s room for the past 6 months or so? Or was it longer than that? I can’t really remember. One thing’s for sure though, when I’m there…I can’t study at all. People really don’t understand how much Idon’t study and how much I really just want to pass. Since a long time ago, I’ve always hated the attention given to people who get high scores. I glided by high school or more like I crawled my way through high school thinking grades are… no… not really… I was just like… let me just do my best this time around xD And this time my school motto is: just pass dammit.

I miss these times that I stay in my room and type…type.. and find some internet xD “some” okay, some. So far, some is getting better. I used to put my laptop behind the door and stay there just to get some signal, but now I’m lying down my bed and just typing away~ It’s one of my diseases… I type too much. And if you’ve ever noticed, I use the same words. xD

Anyway, let me try to make this post a little bit longer, just stop reading now…before I start talking about that last bit I just proofread. I usually type things after reading great stories about stuff but the problem is I only ever read cheesy, cliche, illogical and unrealistic shoujo mangas. I’ve come across a few that I find ‘intersting’ at the time that I read them, otherwise they’re stored in my ‘shoujo manga registry of titles’ The great thing about my brain is familiarity. The bad thing about it is forgetfulness. Or the ability to feign temporary memory lapse when the actual truth is it has been badgering me throughout the entirety of the week before something is due. Another great thing is visual recollection. I usually remember stuff by how they appear, therefore when I fail to write them down, they are not remembered. How is this visual and not mechanical? Well I’m sure we all know that we can overlook a lot of things and only focus on some things. Visual memorization can only occur with total concentration, and when you’re writing, the concentration comes into the formation of the words, the appearance of the writing and then it comes into mind when you’re taking an exam. The downside is that sometimes you’ll be left saying: OMG I know this one, it’s on the second to the last page of my reviewer. >.> tough luck trying to recall that one. But familiarity is what propels my mind and not memorization. xD So wait… I sidetracked a lot and I lost all hope in typing out some things…

So I’ll put them in another paragraph. Let me see, I recently devoured some seinen and josei titles and I have been leaning towards switching genres for a while now, but I still can’t drop the cheesy lines. LOL. They don’t make me fangirl anymore though… I used to get too into the stories but now… there’re too many titles to choose from and I don’t even pick up the ones that go over a few chapters. Shounen is still a sticky genre for me, for reasons unbeknownst to myself, so I leave it alone. But seinen… I blur the lines between seinen and josei sometimes so I’m not too sure if I am actually in favor of seinen. Josei is definitely for the growing tweenty. rawr. But really, the topics are deep, relate-able, not so illogical, has a bit of a lesson in life kind of purpose and they’re interesting to read. Harlequin stories—sometimes shoujo sometimes josei—are actually interesting because of their adaptation into the manga scene, which is queer in my viewpoint. Hmm… I’m getting tired though… can you believe I’m tired of writing this all down? I dunno… sometimes I get the drive to type away and sometimes I just haven’t slept yet so that must be the reason why I’m sleepy at this time of the day LOL. It is time to sleep though, I must point that out, but what’s unique about this situation is that it’s technically early for my usual sleeping habit. Anyway, if I had the chance I’d either finish up Karneval 33 or just do Trinity Blood. Redrawing is not fun but it’s a good change of pace. xD

The Experience of a Bookworm [Nov 9, 2011]

It’s quite calming to actually just spend the day reading through everything. When you barely pick up your phone to tweet or check fb or check forums it becomes a less complicated world and you get to dive into different settings and situations that you find yourself empathizing greatly. I think I feel too connected to such things and it’s a hard task sometimes, which is why I call it a curse to actually start picking up a book and reading because once you do… And you end up tightly bound to the story, you’ll find yourself craving to get to another story just to forget that one. Only… The problem is I don’t think I forget. Of course I’m not big on memorization and the events jumble up and weave into one another as time passes, but each sensation that I am left with after every book is different. I haven’t read much but I’d like to think they’re worth noting down here or wherever.

The first chic lit that actually brought this all on was a queer blue moon-designed book with the title “The Girl Who Chased the Moon”. The thing about this is… It was cheeky and rather predictable. But it sent squealing sensations that I rarely get anymore from reading romance manga. The thought of interconnecting magic and real life was not that great but it was still a fun and breezy read. Something I was sure I’d forget after a night’s rest. But what intrigued me was why was this piece of work that had 3 grammatical errors a piece that sat on the fully booked’s best selling novels? So then I checked out her other books. I think I’ve searched her name far more times than I’ve checked my fb these past few days, but no matter. I soon read the ebook of “Garden Spells” and I understood why she started out greatly. It’s still a nice read, one you’ll finish and forget but the sense of the magic and the reality that she created to make that magic exist was definitely different. I’m sure that first novel was greater than the first one I read and I was glad I squinted my way through my iPhone for that. The thing that kept me hanging there was still the same thing that always keeps me hanging, which is why I continue to dive into the world of romance… It was the way that true love was depicted.

The next actual book took a longer time… I suppose it was understandable… Since it was “The Red Queen” If you knew me enough you’d find I’m not a stickler for history… Dates, events and even the people seem to fade away from my interests—which I’m still unsure of as of now. But the way the story was foretold that involved the bits of facts of the Wars of the Roses created in me an undeniable passion that lasted only until I let it. It was the reason I was late on one of the enrollment days but it did not matter. I was able to move on from that book only after reading the wiki about the war itself, the princes in the tower, henry VII or henry tudor, jasper tudor and of course lady margaret beaufort. Can you believe I didn’t need to look that up in my previously visited pages? Anyway, I’m not very familiar now with the succession of the titles… Was it Henry VI, Edward III, Richard III, Henry VII? But where did the son of Henry and Margaret Anjou sit in this line of succession? And I am not sure what Edward of York’s title was actually… Only that the novel was able to conjure up a probability that existed due to the lack of information involving the women who proved to be a key factor in the turn of events for this war. You see Margaret Beaufort was the cousin of Henry VI giving her a claim to the throne, which was supposed to be void since the legitimacy of the Beaufort line was done with the condition that they cannot claim the throne. She was forced to marry De La Pole when she was 7 but was bethrothed instead to Edmond Tudor when she was 9, she wed him when she was 12 and carried Henry Tudor through painful labors and was widowed at 13, remarried to Henry Stafford and was widowed after the war near the bridge… i forgot the actual place, the details are lost to me. Then she chose to remarry Stanley… i forgot the last name, forgive me. But it was the greatest marriage that brought about political changes in the rebellions they waged to allow Henry Tudor to sit into the throne by defeating Richard Of York’s forces. I believe I babbled on… Anyway, the secret affair that did not actually appear in history involving Margaret and Jasper was actually endearing, as well as the inclusion of Joan of Arc’s remarkable feats. The way the story was told made a new reality that was blurred between the lines of the dates and the names in our history lessons. I have reason to believe the author was greatly versed in that specific victorian history and the way of the royalties in those times. It was a great sensation that intrigues a history-hating freak like me. I pity that I did not read “The White Queen” beforehand, but Elizabeth Woodville’s account of it might have struck me as a bit of odd… What with the woodville’s rumored river powers or their lineage from a water goddess. I might reconsider going through the other books of the same “series” if it can be grouped as such, but not until I hold a physical copy of them.

The next one I read was the signed copy of “The Best of Me” and it did not capture me as much as the others just pulled into me like magnet. It gracefully entered my system like it was the most natural thing to do and at times I found myself at a loss of what to say…that is until I hit the rock bottom of the climax that made me cry while reading. This was normal if anyone would notice, but the abnormality of crying not from what I was reading but from what thought I had etched into my mind that was the ending of the story is downright interesting. So instead of feeling at a loss at the actual last page, I was crying for 4 whole chapters, which were actually action-packed and happy… Now that is a queer way of making someone feel a sort of emotion. Anyway what I am at a loss now is that what I have always feared may have been true all along. That the great reality of love that I realized when I was 13 was that there is that great possibility of a love with uneven reciprocity. That the fact that one is loved more than that person loves is actually true. And as such, I have always feared the hurting of someone who loves me since it is not easy to love someone such as me. I have always known it in my subconscious self that what I am finding in relationships is not the best love that I will ever get… It’s the best that I’ll ever give and until I find that, I am unsure of where I stand. So I just had to pick up another book…I desperately needed a new story because let’s face it… The last book I read incited a different happy ending, it was a reality check ending. Things don’t end in happily ever after, which is very unfortunate, but you just need to make up for that.

Now this book is “666 Park Avenue” which is a different style altogether. Magic here is more defined and there are hints of mysterious elements that will prove to be relevant as I get to the end, since I’m only at the beginning. And now I wonder if I’ll always take refuge in a make-believe world such as in a book. My imagination for real life things has always been horrible, but the way things like these unfold into my consciousness makes me realize I’m still a child…who dreams almost way too much.

3/4 [Nov 11, 2011]

At a loss for words, I can’t believe I still have a bit of time to read half a decent-length book when I read this third novel by sarah addison allen. All her novels/pocketbooks are almost the same-size/paged and I finished this by starting one chapter last night, barely starting one this morning and fully reading everything in 3 or so hours. Yes I read slowly, kill me for it but allow me just this bit of pride in how much I cannot believe how I finished it. The sad thing is… I absolutely hated reading it since it’s on my iPhone which sucks the life out of my eyes. I can barely see after reading from this device for so long so I was happy to have finished faster than was necessary.

The thing I realized is that books with shallow and cheesy romance is just the right thing that sends signals from my hands. The tingly feeling lasts for as long as I can control it but it usually just signals down like a bolt of electricity running through my nervous system. The most it can reach as far as I can remember is by going through my hands until my legs and the tips of my toes. This is what I’d deemed as another version of squealing. But anyway, I guess I’ll just finish with reading the last novel by the same author. The title I just finished was Sugar Queen and the last that I think will be the least appealing of all is The Peach Keeper.

It's slowly fading [Nov 13, 2011]

I can feel that the end of my reading frenzy hobby is nearing and that school life will eventually fill whatever void I have left from stopping both fandubbing and scanlating. I have been observing signs that indicate that I do not fit with cosplay anymore so I’ll probably try to find another hobby by the next year.

Pushing that aside, I finished two books yesterday (plus a bit of the wee hours of today). The first was “This Lullaby” which inevitably makes one realize that there is no formula or pattern or valid reasons for love. It comes and goes and the more cowardly thing to do regarding it is to hide away from the opportunities to love. I recall blogging about that before but as I reflect on it now, I am most definitely a full-fledged coward and I don’t really care to change as of the moment. It drives us away from our routines that sometimes defines us and thus as we find ourselves out of our element…it becomes difficult to adapt. It’ll definitely take time, time that sometimes isn’t too late according to the lessons of sarah allen. And this topic regarding routines, old habits and love is generally what the next book “The Peach Keeper” is about. And I do think this is the worst book of sarah allen plot-wise, where the focus is not clearly defined and some messages are out there. But her trademark magic is still beautiful and her normal pattern of character development is exquisite. Add that to the normal emotion that people acquire and you’ve got yourself a nice short read :) I might hunt down another book later but I still have to sleep early… Or as early as I still can :)

Fallen [Dec 15, 2011]

As the title of the book I just started as the day faded into the night and as the clock struck a little over 2 in the morning, I find myself now brooding over the concept of fallen angels.

I did once write a story I was never able to finish about how childishly an angel can fall from heaven and be banished into a world of mortals… But I never got so intrigued by the watchers so much as to read a few wikis about it.

The fact of the matter is that it’s a topic I’m not at all familiar with even though I have had an immensely and queerly great attraction to the idea of angels. I have always adored the concept that they stand for and yet I have never even tried to read about their very existence. It’s more like a disease of mine to be enchanted but to never yearn for more than what is made available to me by fate. And as fate chose so… I stumbled upon this series of short novels tightly wound up on each other and on the facts concerning the watchers or the fallen angels or even the grigori’s. Lauren Kate’s name as the author doesn’t even stick into my small brain but the excitement of the story as the truth unravels into more unknown things truly draws me in. Enough to even force me to seek refuge in useless tv shows early morning only to find myself typing the keywords about fallen angels onto my cellphone’s browser and clicking wiki. It’s amazing how a book can utterly defeat every sense of my existence and wrap me up in a different set of realities than I am currently facing. Often I’d wish I could actually live in such fantasies and sometimes I would wake up daydreaming still…and reliving the moments in my mind as the former dream becomes less than a memory but a fleeting blur of unfortunately poor recollections…and then I’d desperately just make up my own stories biding my time and ending up with wasted hours on the clock and an unfinished story in my brain.

Watching Letters to Juliet [Aug 8, 2012]

Isn’t it weird to be on a trip with your bf and just go around doing business related things? X.x I like going on trips to simply enjoy the beauty of it >..> I mean I should be the only stuck-up one, my kill-joy habit is enough of a drag >.>

Chains that bind.

It's not like I can't understand how other people feel but it's not like I want to sympathize with them all the time either. I can't let them feel that what they want will always be what they get and yet at the same time I can't help but hold on to the kind of relationship we have. I don't feel the same way and so I try my best to keep away. The sad thing is the other person also does not want to keep away and rather feels hurt that I avoid that person. But I know in the end it will end up in a rather strange way that one person will be torn between wanting to return to how it was before but hoping not to have thought of that. When things go beyond what is expected it hurts the very nature of our souls and since we are hopeful beings we sometimes want the good things to happen. In some aspects they don't happen the way we want them to so we tend to become pessimists. I am no true optimist since I know and see what the true sides of the coins are. I might be torn between realist and idealist though but I am neither a pessimist nor an optimist. So whenever bad things happen, I deal with them realistically and whenever I go down low I look to the idealist nature of my soul to pick myself up and look for a better future. I'm not trying to say anything new and such but that I can't please everyone and finally though people can misunderstand my actions, some of them are actually well thought of and some of them were done on a whim, which is cruel really. I am a cruel person I know, I've long since known, but I can't live by myself to not hurt other people, or would you rather that was done? Maybe that's a much better path to chose. I've never really thought of it that way, but since we are all humans, meaning we are social beings, I can't survive that way. Forgive me for my selfishness and cruelty but I cannot free you from your burdens and pains just yet.