Mother's Day... hahanohi (a trivial matter...? May 12, 2006)

My best friend's birthday is today and well he told me something I thought about for a while. I'm not sure.. I mean ever since I saw a magazine containing the new bonus stuff for mother's day, I went to the internet to check the date of Mother's day itself. After finding out it is May 14.. I wanted to give her something special.. but I can't earn anything for the matter being, I am still inexperienced to take up a job, even if it's just a part-time one. Even the money my school gives me is barely enough to keep me alive for a month.. but no matter how small the money was, I didn't want to waste a single cent of it.

• If ever you knew, I depended on my classmates to give me free food whenever they have plenty of money.. and seriously..I feel bad about it. It doesn't make me profitable, since I don't even use the money the school gives me..and it only goes to PTA fees, or class fees or even for my brother's sake. No matter how bad my stomach ached for food.. I don't give it freely. Although sometimes I did, I mean I sometimes can't help the pain so I'd buy something to drink.. but normally it would be at least P 20/25 each day that I'd spend... or every other day...or even once a week. I've been living with money like it was meant to be kept in my pocket... but freely given to my family. They call me their bank, but I think not... maybe I am a bank, a place where my mom gives money and when she needs it I give it back to her.. then the interest..more like 15% goes to my own stuff. It just so goes that people think highly of having the school pay you and stuff...maybe...maybe I'm in a well-off family, maybe I have the liberty to waste money and use money as I may please, but whenever I face money, with being responsible over it..I'd think otherwise. I'm not one who can ask my parents for money like they owed it to me..but I'm the one who can't even tell them not having a daily allowance hurts my stomach everytime I wait for them. But no matter how much I try not to waste.... when the time comes that I am with them and they are spoiling me...I'm wasting more than I have been hoping. Now I know this is off topic.. a whole lot, but somehow it feels I am unable to find a resolve for myself. As discipline shows a great importance in this life of mine, I become someone without discipline, and thus my world shatters. In truth, I don't intend to start my new school year with a daily allowance...maybe I'd rather stay as I am and not eat, I mean it might get tiring to keep the hunger, but I'm sure it would be fine as to I can discipline myself to eat meals well. But as I am in need of more things in life...I find myself still...rather lost.

Okay, enough of offtopic stuff. I'll proceed... Well maybe I'd say not spending a single cent is good, but somehow, where did all those unspent cents go? Why can't I sum up the money to be able to buy a gift? I've been spending summer facing a computer, in truth I've grown attached to it, interested in it and growing in it's presence. It does not satisfy me, but day by day, being with it has been habitual, and I even learned to let go of it. So, for this mother's day..what can I offer? I can barely find anyone who could take me out to go shopping... I can barely find the money I need...but what can I do?

• As one feels the need to experience life...but does not know what life is..they somehow wander on lost. But as one might think, no one else should bring those lost people to a certain destination, rather other people must show them that there is an existent destination.
• People often want to prove to themselves that their life is worth something. But how can one do that? That may be the only thing that another person cannot show a lost person, rather they might need to be shown the proof that someone's life can be worth something. I'm not saying I am not lost, but neither am I saying I am totally lost.. for I still believe that no one is totally lost, for knowledge may keep them on track and emotions may blind their path..but I'm quite sure someone is still leading them.

Anyway, still my mind wanders. Back to topic... what can I do? Up to now I haven't been able to do as I desire, as I plan and as I have wanted. Maybe I can't do anything, but that is depended in my state of mind. Let's see...if you really intend to know, I've planned on drawing something for my mother... I wanted for her to see that although one does not have talent..with passion one can prove their existence, their offering or even their slight gift. Maybe there is another path for me to take, and I've been reluctant to pursue it...but that depends on me for now. I might take it, and I have a feeling I will take both, for a person cannot truly succeed when they keep giving up. Now about mother's day. I think I've formed a resolve in preparation for the coming of mother's day, but what about it? My best friend tells me that mother's day is far more important than his birthday.

• In truth, if I were in his place.. if I was faced with that same situation, at that exact time, even without the age difference...I'd be saying the same. For birthdays, no matter how special it may seem, cannot compare to the wish of one to thank the person who introduced them to the world. But since I'm not in his place, and I could say I'm not totally convinced that birthdays can't be that special for anyone anymore, I only wish he would enjoy his time. For no matter how fast time flies, one cannot percieve the extent of their life, nor the importance of it.

Offtopic again >_> anyway, no one needs to read the ones in bullet form.. well actually no one needs to read this. I publish this for the sake of my existence being noticed. But anyway, sometimes I don't care so much :) Although I would have to say it is typical of me to post as for I am undoubtedly seeking the attention anyone would :D ooh...that was offtopic. Then as I suffered into not knowing what to reply, I stood by my belief, or rather a dream, of seeing birthdays are special days. However, as he had pointed out.. I am different from him and for his age, birthdays does not seem that special anymore. That birthdays seem to become a hectic day nonetheless. As I found myself unable to counter or rather further stand by my belief, I simply viewed it as "a few things someone like me may not be able to understand at such an age". Awkward enough, I still wish he could get the happiness one searches for in their birthday...as for I would want myself. Time for lots of offtopic texts.

• Hmm.. let's see. After more than a week (I think) of posting in the XSC forums, I kind of realized that time.. no matter how different in other countries, still flowed. And seriously, since I noticed the difference in time between a lot of people, I started to not mind it...that I would only mind how much time passed by and not the time it is now. For maybe they are both of equal importance..but then, if you really think of it, you cannot determine both, and usually it is only the intervals which we are able to use. In eating meals, well I'd rather think of the 4-6 hours intervals, rather than if you ate morning, lunch at 12 or dinner at another time. Maybe this has been my life because I am unable to find a resolve of what time I should sleep...
• Another thing, since I've been mentioning existence for many times in this post, I'd love to explain why. I watched the anime "Shakugan no Shana"... a 24-episodes anime that concerns Sakai Yuji and his life after meeting Shana, a Flame Haze -one who is responsible for maintaining the balance between the world of the humans, and another world named Guze. The point here is..what if one day you found out that you were a torch -a person who remains in the human world as a remainder of the existence of a true human eaten by Tomogaras, only put there as a temporary replacement to keep the balance of the world intact, for if one person disappears suddenly, the humans will become uneasily disturbed, rather than when a replacement is put but will eventually be forgotten? Guze no Tomogaras are the people who feed in power of existence from human beings. Which means, Tomogaras eat existent beings (humans) to be able to live on, and thus the person eaten will be gone forever. Torches are really the remainders of the part of the person eaten (of course the trace of the person will still be left, so that might explain it) and torches eventually fade away from existence, therefore, they are forgotten after a certain time. There are also special torches that serve as a container for the powers of Tomogaras, which are called Mistes. Yuji was a Mistes, a torch that contains a special power, and even if he knew he wasn't the "real" Sakai Yuji, he still believed he could be the Sakai Yuji. What Yuji strives for..the proof that he existed, even though he will one day fade away, is what many people strive for. A proof that they lived, a purpose in their lives and a way for their lives to be remembered. I wouldn't actually know.. but I think everyone is trying to find that existence. The life that will be remembered even though they're gone. As Yuji said one time "It isn't the fact that I'm going to be gone that hurts, it's the fact that I will be forgotten" or it goes something like that. So, as you might understand, I strive for that life, I strive for a purpose, but, like everyone else, I need to do it by myself :) So, now... I have found a resolve, that I'll live, and even though it may hurt to be forgotten, I will die even if I was forgotten, but I will definately not forget anyone from my life. That until the very end...I'll fulfill my wish, through fulfilling it for them. :) That may be better than dying without a resolve and dying wishing someone would remember them. Now now, it's soooo off topic, but let's see... a mother, no matter how much she treated a son or daughter will be remembered as a mother. So I celebrate this Mother's Day, for acknowledging her existence..once a year. And as I hope, I'll continue to acknowledge her existence through this one day. :)
• Hmm.. remember I mentioned that as I rested my case concerning his birthday, I would only view it as "a few things someone like me may not be able to understand at such an age" I'm sure, not totally, but with my whole being, I'm sure that no matter how I speak up to any situation/topic or anything like that, I remain and will remain, unintelligent, unknowing and thus ignorant. That no matter how intelligable my answer may be, I will always remain a person ignorant of many things. I viewed it without the word ignorance because he is not stating one that could be understood through mere facts, through mere books...but one that can possibly be understood...that I can comprehend when I experience it. It does not matter how I would feel towards it, but the fact that I was able to see myself at that exact age may influence me to think the same as he did. I'm sure... no matter how I express myself, I can never determine the whole truth, for I think the truth itself is not one big thing. It could be a truth the undermines the other truths...but for whatever reason...I may not be able to find out that truth... but as human nature fills my being, I am one who still believes in hope. Hope makes people unbelievably great.. there is no definite hope, but I am quite sure it is one of the strengths and weaknesses of a human. :) For it is my own.

So then I rest with this post in mind. Nothing...and I repeat Nothing in this post is utterly true... nothing for me.. can totally be called the truth, but I can reference the truth to my being. So I then say, everything, every emoticon and every ... and . are true for me. That is...I do not intend to influence you in any way... not anything, I really don't intend to make your head ache either.. although my head is spinning right now. It is really up to anyone to read... and only... for my selfishness, do I post such nonsense. You would know that people themselves cannot actually say what's on their mind... so my form of communication is..through typing. And this is my hobby also.... that no matter how I post... I am satisfied that I've posted my mind for the day. That is because it is hard to carry ones thoughts all their life.. without anyone knowing really. Then I bid you good bye.. ~take care, God Bless!! :)