School? Uh..uhm :D

I'm not too sure why I wanted to post something... maybe because two incidents have been bothering me much lately.. and both of them happened friday at school. Another thing is... that I might be too disheartened by all this school stuff that I need this small post to content myself with the so-called "creative writing".

• To start, I'll get to the two things before I loose them in my mind. I'm not too sure who I am, what my personality is like...or if I even hurt people with my actions. But I'm quite sure of just this one constant thing -that I cause a lot of damage with my mistakes and also, I cause a lot of mistakes. Of course I've never thought of my hair as a constant...actually it just seems long because people compare it to others' hair.. but to me, it's just normal. Hmm... then there we go, the incident was... well I'd rather tell of it tragically...or not. Let's see, it was in our Chemistry class...and as usual we were lecturing, or rather checking our past SW, but I'd consider that our teacher's lesson. Then, I sat beside Annalynn and Marvin, just because I usually did sit beside Annalynn in Chemistry. To cut to the chase, well Lissan was just showing how she could get mad, I mean the angry face...but both Marvin and I could tell Lissan couldn't make a seriously angry face, we'd just laugh at the attempts though. Then when Lissan was about to make an angry face at me, Marvin said how can anyone get mad at me... normally, I wouldn't dare bother about that, and so I smiled and put it in my subconscious mind -to look back at another time that I'll be needing to ponder upon the fact that it isn't true...not for me. But later that day, when it was dismissal time and Angelica, Kat and I were waiting for our parents to fetch us, we talked about a number of topics, until one specific topic hit me -that was about Steff's niceness. Niceness isn't such a word that describes anything in the english language, but then allow me to term this "niceness" in kindness. Of course we talked in Filipino, but it doesn't matter if I rephrase a lot and have a lot of grammatical errors in the process. Steff is nice, no doubt about it... I couldn't agree more, I mean I don't know her as a classmate, but at the rate that I know her, she's nice. Then Kat asked where her place was in this kindness rating... Angelica answered her truthfully as apart of the nice but snobbish person... that I think I could understand because she usually is snobbish around the people she doesn't like so much. Then Ellie was brought up as part of that nice but snobbish group, since Ellie wouldn't really care about anyone she doesn't know, but will treat nicely the people she respects so much. I'm sure much is in between those categories, but to make it simpler, we term it like that. Then the topic went to other people of such category... and then it came to this part that hit me most; Kat asked what kind of person I was, and Angelica said I was in the "Steff nice" group... Personally, I don't know Steff, I mean 'hi's and 'hello's just pass us by... and I've heard of her in a nice way, through many people. But categorizing me with her... it seems unlikely. Same goes here that I'm sure there are a lot of differences in between, but the thought of that kindness that lies within me, is unthinkable -that is in my case. I can't force people to think otherwise, but I can choose one side for myself. I don't know exactly... I mean I don't know which to choose, I just think... I'll try to think the same, that I am farther away from that category that some people think... that I really don't belong anywhere, for nobody can categorize me. In truth, I've heard this niceness before, I've heard someone tell me that...and I also heard someone ask why don't you believe me... and..the answer that I could not fortell before is because... people take responsibility for their own actions and thus they also take responsibility over their personality, however no words can explain the personality of a person for they can never take their personality for a constant, due to change. In mere simple words, I cannot believe I am nice for I can be, but I can never remain that way. It is by almost childish deduction that I say that by not saying I am nice, I can become nice and still be comfortable whenever I am not nice. It's supposedly childish if I say I am not nice, therefore I am bad, and almost because I say I am not nice, therefore I may be bad. Truth to tell, everybody thinks of this deduction the same way I do... but one might recognize it in the form "I'm afraid of changing your opinion about me... that's why..." and true enough, it applies to my attitude. Maybe it is merely a constant that people want to 'not dissapoint' other people, whether these people are chosen or not... and feel good when people talk good about them.
• Enough about mind talk... more on my school... I'm having a hard time keeping up with chemistry but then I can't do anything about it -except ask my classmates for help, or rather my batchmates. Then... I'm seriously... uhm...shall I say weak? I can't do anything worthwhile in PE, and it sucks to see me slacking behind...but my body is naturally weak because of the lack of exercise, so I can't force it to lead along :( that's sad because I hate that situation... and if I could, I'd cry about it... thing is... I don't want to, for no matter how hard it is, I will do as I can to not cry about it and rather try harder. Then... the problem I have with math is... the quizzes/seat works are hard...but I understand it fairly well. I have a lot of hws right now... but I feel like shedding a tear for myself before I proceed with it. It seems hard to move on... but I'll try my best. You know.. It's kind of irritating to find yourself not striving harder and seeing others do much better. I'm not too sure if I can live with this section, I mean they're nice people, although many have formed groups... some are quite easy to talk to... and what's good is I have some people to hang-out with. I actually miss my second year section... Camia.. I don't miss anyone in particular, but I miss the atmosphere. I can't say I've been quite well with them, since I'm mostly OP in their conversations... but I miss them... all.

So then, I should say.. I can't sleep yet, although I really wish someone could make me wake up so I won't fall asleep... :) I still have to do a lot. ^^